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Christmas

2007-12-23T23:35:39Z

Jesuscool:

Christmas

Jesus Loves This Article
The Jee Man Himself has Shown, in His infinite Wisdom, that He is the Ultimate Purveyor of all things Awesome, Nifty, Spiffy, and generally Interesting. He has personally Reviewed this article and Given His Blessing. The submitter may be Forgiven three venial sins or one mortal sin.

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Official corporate logo for Christmas.
Teh Santa Cat noes waht joo want 4 xmas!!!1!
Christmas the American way.Christmas is a public holiday celebrating discounts at Wal Mart. All cultures have a midwinter festival, but Christians wanted their own name for their ritual whereby they honor the glory of parking in parking lots and standing in lines. It is also the only time of the year when rape is considered legal, as long as it performed under a mistletoe.

Contents [hide]
1 The Celebration of Christmas
2 What is the true meaning of Christmas?
3 Replacement with "Holiday"
4 X-Mas
5 Is Christmas losing its Commercial origins?
6 Santa Claus: Democrat or Republican?
7 Who is this so called Santa Claus and is he really watching us??
8 See Also

[edit] The Celebration of Christmas
Devout Christians celebrate Christmas with the same rituals every year. They gather together in a nice, cozy, warm SUV, and drive to a parking lot, where they celebrate the joy of squeezing into a parking spot while screaming at pedestrians who are in their way. They then run around the store, attempting to buy as many things as possible before the store closes at midnight on Christmas Eve. After they finish buying as much as possible, they go back to their houses and eat turkey, along with drinking alcohol. They also present Christmas cards.

There is no real standard for the kind, amount, or number of Christmas gifts presented; the only real requirement is that one's credit card balances must have gone up by at least 165% with at least one card maxed out. If the giver hasn't achieved this, then obviously the giver doesn't love any of the people on his Christmas list and will die horribly alone and unloved in return. Remember: bankruptcy = love at Christmastime. They then gather around a Christmas tree (typically made of cardboard or plastic) and sing Christmas songs, classic holiday tunes such as "Every kiss begins with Kay," "Snap Crackle & Pop", and the holiday classic, "Welcome to Chili's". Also, people sometimes decorate their homes with bright Christmas lights, usually ones guaranteed to cause seizures. As part of the Christmas cheer, these lights are put up before thanksgiving and are left on until mid-June.

[edit] What is the true meaning of Christmas?
"The true meaning of Christmas is going on shopping sprees and watching washout celebrities sing badly on T.V.", says an expert on the holiday, "But some don't see that. I, and many other Christians, am greatly concerned by the increasing tendency to honor the birth of Christ on this day. Don't you people know what Christmas is all about? It's all about wrapping paper, gift bags, parking lots, and discount prices!!!"

"What Christmas is all about" is a common theme in literature and arts. In the animated holiday classic A Charlie Brown Christmas, the main character, Charlie Brown, is depressed because he believes Christmas is too religious, and wants to know what Christmas is really all about. At the end, he finds out, when his friend makes a touching speech, quoting from a Wal-Mart catalogue: "'50% off on all holiday items!!!! Don't miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!!!!!!!!!'. That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown!" Charlie Brown and his friends then go to a McDonald's together, to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. In actuality, the true meaning of Christmas was the birth of Santa Claus. Of course, all the preachers and clergymen like to bullshit people with all this biblical crap about Jesus and Christmas being related. Assholes... What do they know?

[edit] Replacement with "Holiday"

The card market changed to be more Generic in their cards, celebrating "Holidays" now insteadThe Supreme Court has officially declared Christmas to be defunct as we all now celebrate 'Holiday'. The event is popular for celebrating the birth of "Generic, nameless savior and/or prophet,", as well as the glory of "Intelligent, all-powerful being." Holiday is one of the most popular celebrations in the United States today.

[edit] X-Mas
Christmas is also called X-mas by fans of the X-Men, who celebrate the day as "International X-Men Day". They believe that Jesus was in fact a superhero. The Bible confirms this, listing such superpowers as healing, foretelling the future, heat vision, underwater breathing, the ability to fly, super human strength and destroy evil with a wink of his eye and a thumbs up. Jewish and Islamic X-Men tend to believe that while Jesus was a hero, he was not a "super" hero.

[edit] Is Christmas losing its Commercial origins?
Many people are growing concerned that the true meaning of Christmas, buying things at a discount store and then eating and drinking until you throw up, is being forgotten in today's world. "I am greatly concerned by the amount of giving, caring, and honoring of God that took place this Christmas season," says Wal Mart chairperson Melville Cardboard, "All this talk about Nativity, and loving those around you, and a season of joy? Have you people forgotten the meaning of Christmas?"

these Raspberry Christmas Trees are popular among the red-green colorblind[edit] Santa Claus: Democrat or Republican?
Often depicted as an obese man wearing a tasteless red, ermine trimmed suit, Santa Claus is a self-employed Caucasian male who's been married to the same woman for several centuries. It appears likely that he is a churchgoer, insofar as he is a Catholic saint and a former bishop. It has to be assumed here that Claus was released from his vows, or else he would not have been married.

Frequent arguments have erupted over the political affiliation of Claus. Ten years ago, Dick Cheney inadvertently dealt a savage blow to the morale of the Republican Party when he misidentified the political affiliation of Santa Claus in his best-selling book, Parliament of Whores. "Santa Claus," he said, "is a Democrat." However it is perfectly obvious from his demographic profile alone that Santa is in fact a Republican.

This assessment is often rebutted by Democrats with Anne-McCaffery counter-analysis: Santa Claus has no children. High-achieving professionals without children trend Democratic. While the Clausian canon does not specifically address the issue of Santa's children, numerous extra-canonical sources suggest that Claus did, in fact, reproduce. Numerous Christmas TV movie specials alone support this point.

Santa is renowned for an aggressive adherence to a binary naughty/nice list, which suggests an impatience for nuanced moral positions that betrays his Republican preferences. Santa's mere willingness to define individuals along a naughty/nice axis demonstrates his indifference to the philosophical stance of, say, The New York Times. And note that no canonical or extra-canonical Clausian text indicates that Santa ever attended college or, God forbid, graduate school.

Others still believe that Mr. Santa is an obvious Communist, the reincarnation of Jesus Marx.

[edit] Who is this so called Santa Claus and is he really watching us??
Some believe that Santa is a kind hearted fellow who brings joy to good little girls and boys. Think about it this way: If Santa is REALLY watching you all the time, does that include when you're in the bath or the shower? And what about when little kids are changing clothes or sleeping in the nude? Santa's a pervert.

[edit] See Also
Anti-Christmas
Santa Claus
Christmas carol
Xmas day
Reindeer
Sintu cloven
Santaism
Frosty the Snowman
Terrorism
Krismas

Church

2007-12-23T23:18:36Z

Jesuscool:

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'''<center>No better than a [[Kitten Huffing|Kitten Huffer]] you are, if here a talk page you expected.<br/></center>
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{{H1|[[Image:Boobs.gif|30px]] '''Read Carefully. Will yea?'''}}

The beautiful [[The Church of Ass and Nipple Slips|Church of Ass and Nipple Slips]] has many methods of worship. Some from the days of old, some quite recent. Here is a comphrehensive list of the most important methods. The Church takes its [[ritual]]s very seriously. So, if you ever have plan to violate them and do something that resembles an act of worship gone wrong you may be arrested by the Church Police, to be held captive and flogged indefinitely. All those who prefer BDSM over the missionary position are most welcome to try that fact out. The rest, please, check your health insurance first.

{{H1|[[Image:Boobs.gif|30px]] '''Methods of Worship. Go learn.'''}}

==<font color ="Blue">Classic Methods of Worship</font>==
[[Image:Marcy.JPG|thumb|left|136px|'''''Position 01''''']]
{{q|Bend to my will, you will.|God|Worship}}
'''Bend Over:''' This requires a 30° to 70° forward tilt of torso (as demonstrated in the picture), while tilt of the head may vary from 30° backward to 45° forward. A less than 35° bending of knees is optional. In this manner of worship push-up bras are strongly advised against. Best results are achieved with a dropping of straps, ideally from both shoulders. Adopted by any good [[Christian]] from any church.

===Press Hard===
[[Image:Ww2.jpg|thumb|right|90px|'''''Position 02''''']]
{{q|When a little nudge goes a long way, you know you have got it.|FDR|[[Leadership]]}}
This requires the arms to slide close together in the fron part of the body (as demonstrated in the picture), cutting the gap between them while hanging limp by the side of the body from 25% to 55%. Putting the hands in an angular position, between 15° to 25°, is optional. In this manner of worship push-up bras are encouraged, especially when a dress is worn. Best results are achieved with an extremely low-neck top, ideally a bikini tri-top. Many worshippers reinforce the effect by wearing semi-transparent apparel. Some also make use of he air conditioner or ice-cubes applied at regular intervals. Saint [[Angelina Jolie|Jolie]], Saint [[Halle Berry|Berry]] and Saint [[Tyra Banks|Banks]] are among the famous pratitioners of this method.

===Drop Off===
[[Image:Ddl01.jpg|thumb|left|160px|'''''Position 03''''']]
{{q|Drop whatever is there, and reach for it.|Timothy Leary|Bliss}}
This is the simplest, but least followed method. This requires a dropping of straps, one or both, about 15 inches or more (as demonstrated in the picture), and leaving them at it for at least 5 minutes. It must always be accompanied by a silly grin and vapid eyes. It can be practiced in any posture - standing erect or bent, lying down or sitting. Generally it is followed by a frantic re-placement of the straps, by self or an assistant. Best results are achieved on stage, on camera or on [[Howard Stern]] Show. Saint [[Janet Jackson|Janet]], Saint [[Tara Reid|Reid]], and Saint [[Paris Hilton (person)|Hilton]] are famous this method.

===Slide Out===
[[Image:Paris Hilton4.jpg|thumb|right|120px|'''''Position 04''''']]
{{q|Sliding is child's play.|Hugh Hefner|[[Playboy]]}}
This method is often used while in motion, i.e. running, trotting, jogging, or walking. It requires a loosely hung top with wide cuts down the sides, prefferably an overall (as demonstrated in the picture), while deep necks are not necessary at all. A gait that induces a sidelong sawying of hips in the vicinity of 25° is often required. It must always be accompanied by unfocused eyes and nondescript expressions, and may be maintained for hours on end. For best results a nipple-ring may be used. A notable effect of this method is the sawing motion of the object of exhibition, which in generael is not achieved by other methods.

===Act Innocent===
[[Image:Oopsidoopsi.jpg|thumb|left|90px|'''''Position 05''''']]
{{q|Do not question my innocence. Contrary to what you think, I really don't know if I inhaled or... whatever. I would like to try that again.|The Pope|[[Marijuana]]}}
This method is used to confuse the general population into thinking that in fact, it was an accident. This can be accomplished by making a face of "OH SHIT!", or basically just hiding under your hat. This method achieves the second highest degree of worship, in that onlookers are completely oblivious to what they are [[fart|really]] seeing. Saint [[Lindsay Lohan|Lohan]] and Saint [[Tara Reid|Reid]] has been personally propagating this method through innumerable public worshipping, especially since she had the sacred silicon implanted on her bosom.

===Be Proud===
[[Image:Ginag0839w.jpg|thumb|right|90px|'''''Position 06''''']]
{{q|What? Me proud?|Alfred E. Newman|Worry}}
This final, and most [[holy]] method of worship, is achieved by showing that you don't care (as demonstrated in the picture), and in fact you are PROUD of the act. Being outright proud of showing your body is the ultimate zen of the church, and the highest [[masturbation|act of worship]]. It is also necessary to [[smile]] at the pagan onlookers, preferably while putting hands on the hips (with a 35° bend at the elbow) and jutting out the breasts (with a 15° reverse-bend at the elbow) - a posture of defiance adopted by other churches as well. The posture is said to have derived from [[Joan of Arc]]. ''For further proud postures contact: [[Sophia]]''.

===Go Sheer===
[[Image:BoDerek.jpg|thumb|left|100px|'''''Position 07''''']]
{{q|I believe in what I see, feel, grop, tease or lick. The rest is metaphysical crap. Seeing is sizing up.|Isaac Newton|[[Science]]}}

This particular method has been around much longer than the Church of Ass and Nipple Slips. Some heretic researchers tend to quote it as a proof that there are many pre-christian worship methods assimilated in the church. References of [[Roman]] and [[Hindu]] devotees wearing sheer see-through clothes has repeatedly surfaced in this line of argument. Chiffon, muslin, georgette and other fabric material are necessary for this practice, often in conjunction with water. The highest congregration practicing this worship method is known as the [[Wet T-Shirt Contest]], an annual mass of '''Wet T-Shirt Contestants''' is called [[Spring Break]].

==<font color ="Blue">Modern Methods of Worship</font>==
===Lie Down===
[[Image:Carmene.jpg|thumb|left|120px|'''''Position 08''''']]
{{q|Thou shall not lie without a profit.|God|[[Business]]}}
This reqiures a horizontal position (as demonstrated in the picture), prefferably with 15° to 35° tilt of torso and a 30° to 65° bend of one or both knees facing upwards. The head may be kept in alignment with the body, or swung not more than 45° to any side. Placing hands over the genital and/or one or both breasts is not prohibited. Keeping the knees at least 19 centimeters apart is highly recommended. The Softcore School argues for strategic use of sheets, while the Hardcore School argues for a [[dildo]].

===Stand Up===
[[Image:00618 00390m 122 523lo.jpg|thumb|right|85px|'''''Position 09''''']]
{{q|Get up stand up, stand up for your right. Sit down you clown, sit down for your left.|Bob Marley|[[Voodoo]]}}
This is the most difficult of all methods of worship, as it requires no bending, sawying, tilting, swinging or nudging. In fact it stands against the all the familiar and popular activities associated with other methods. Sometimes the worshipper may take take a break to perform some bending or tilting (as demonstrated in the picture), but it is generally advised against. Best results are achieved without any use of an outside object, i.e. pubic hair, dildo, nipple-ring, clit-ring, shit/sheet, hard hat, hard on or push-up bra. It is commonly practiced en mass at festivals like [[Springbreak]], [[Mardi Gras]] and [[Carnival]]. Temples of Window in the Holy District of Red Lights feature the most avid practitioners. An expression of orgasmic pleasure and/or pathological pain is optional.

===Stuff In===
[[Image:Panib.jpg|thumb|left|100px|'''''Position 10''''']]
{{q|Got any stuff?|Harry Potter|[[Magic]]}}
This requires a massive amount of [[silicon]], sometimes up to 11 tonnes, stuffed into the [[boobs]], the holiest of body parts. The result is such that a slip is achieved without trying. In fact, with this method, a slip can not be avoided anywhere for more than 9.2 minutes, a record established by Saint Spears at some concert or other. But even Saint Spears could achieve that timing only once. Saint [[Pamela Anderson|Anderson]] is the most famous practitioner of this method. It implies a strong spinal column, stronger home videos and cuts into back muscles made by over-taxed bra straps. Many of the practitioners are known to wear dress tops only when the law requires it.

==<font color ="Blue">Cases against Worship</font>==
===Dangle Extra===
[[Image:3tetas.jpg|thumb|right|80px|'''''Case 01''''']]
{{q|[[Me]] three.|Moe|the Three Stooges}}
Anyone with more than two tits is strongly advised against worship. Any attempt at worship by such people, animals or aliens are strictly prohibited by the law and the church, and stand directly against the will of Saint Lohan. The first and last time it was attempted, at a [[Soccer]] match between [[Manchester United]] and [[Chelsea]] half of the fans/hooligans stormed out of the stadium, and the other half wanted to play, not with the ball out on the field, but with those showcased on the flasher's chest. The following commotion comvinced Saint Lohan and the church that this should be made the primary case against worship.

===Round Off===
[[Image:516 G.sized.jpg|thumb|left|90px|'''''Case 02''''']]
{{q|I make the world go round.|Yoko Ono|Rock n Roll}}
Anyone with a hip circumference of more than one meter is strongly advised against worship. Any attempt at worship by such people, animals or aliens are strictly prohibited by the law and the church, and stand directly against the will of Saint Lohan. Once common among non-believers from [[Palestine]], who never had a hip less than two meter in circumference, it used to be a popular sport for girls from [[Canada]]. Many of them had made abundant use of silicon to increase hip size. When an Order of Bubble Butts was proposed to the church, it came the notice of Saint Lohan, and was promptly prohibited.

===Sprouting Man===
[[Image:Moogawoogette.jpg|thumb|right|110px|'''''Case 03''''']]
{{q|My man, you're a man.|Freddy Mercury|[[Grace Jones]]}}
Worship is generally prohibited for men who has sprouted boobs, or are owners of cute bubble butts. This prohibition is laxed only in the case of men who have been admitted into the '''Sisterhood''' and worships only in front of Dragqueens or in [[Gay Bar]]s. There have been an ecclesiastical battle going against [[Church of the Gay Bar]] around this prohibition. The artist formerly known as Prince and David Bowie has been in the forefornt of the movement to demand a sanction of worship for sprouting men. Though the movement is strongly suppoerted by [[Oprah]], it is yet to be ratified by the [[Pope]].

{{H1|[[Image:Boobs.gif|30px]] Extra}}

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{{Insane}}
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{{Ape-Shit Crazy}}
{{Some Bullshit}}

Essence of Christianity

2007-12-23T23:15:34Z

Jesuscool:

~ a Japanese schoolchild on Jesus
Those obsessed with so-called-experts should thank their lucky stars that Wikipedia does not have an article about Zombie Jesus.

“Sweet Zombie Jesus!”

~ Hubert J. Farnsworth on The Big Z-J
“The only thing worse than being talked about is having Zombie Jesus eat your face off.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Zombie Jesus
“Graaaagh! Am Zarmbah G-Zaz!”

~ Zombie Jesus on Himself
“He died for your sins, now hes back for your brains!”

~ Noah on Zombie Jesus

Zombie Jesus is notoriously hard to put down.Zombie Jesus is the form regular Jesus took when he first returned to Earth following the Crucifixion.

Contents [hide]
1 History
2 Teachings and Acts of Zombie Jesus
3 Defeating Zombie Jesus
4 Vampire Jesus?
5 Trivia
6 See also

[edit] History
After dying, Jesus was raised from the dead and once more walked among the living. This, of course, would only be possible if he were a zombie; Zombie Jesus is the identity of Jesus following the Resurrection. In zombie form, Jesus retained his unending love for mankind, in particular, he loved their sweet, delectable brains. Many of his followers were surprised when, instead of offering God's salvation, Zombie Jesus voraciously consumed their faces.

[edit] Teachings and Acts of Zombie Jesus

Zombie Jesus contemplating ecumenical matters.Zombie Jesus' words and acts are recorded in one of the apocryphal books (books which were not included in the New Testament by the Catholic Church), the "Book of Brains". The most famous part of the "Book of Brains" is the "Parable of the Brains", in which Zombie Jesus spoke unto the assembled masses: "Braaaiiins.... braaaiiinnnss... braaaaiinss!!" (in the original Greek of the Gospel, "μυαλό.... μυααααλό.... μυααααλό!!!").

"Sweet Zombie Jesus!"He also performed the Miracle of the Brains, in which two brains fed an assembled crowd of five thousand zombies. In yet another miracle, Jesus turned flesh and innards into brains. In one of Zombie Jesus' acts, a crowd had assembled to stone an adulterous woman. Zombie Jesus said " Gragghghha grragh braaaaagh." Which can be loosely translated as; "Let he among you who is without sin, cast the first stone." Then Zombie Jesus proceeded to eat her brain. After, he was said to say that her brain was "gooey and deliceious, just the way mom makes them."

[edit] Defeating Zombie Jesus
Unlike the common zombie, Zombie Jesus is notoriously difficult to put down. The garden-variety zombie can be killed by a shovel to the brain, but only the Soviets could defeat Zombie Jesus. And it took more than your regular garden variety cancer to do this. The Soviets had massive amounts of nuclear waste after the Warm War, so they decided to dump it all over the world. One day, while shuffling around looking for delictable brains, Zombie Jesus stumbled upon a radioactive lump of waste. It instantly absorbed him and began to mutate him, soon he was no longer a zombie, for he began to grow in size and tentacles erupted from his sides, this is how the Kraken was created. He lived as a Kraken for many years, but only made several little Kraken babies, that is the reason we have so few Kraken today. After some years of being a Kraken he swam into a floating radioactive lump dumped into the ocean by the Soviets. He was mutated back into the form of a man, which was very short lived for he was quickly killed by a Nazi.

The title of Mel Gibson's upcoming flick, Night of the Living Zombie Jesus.He naturally re-rose from the dead as a zombie three days later to continue his endless slaughter (this occasion is celebrated by Zombie Easter, in which people put up decorations of the Zombie Easter Bunny). When his terrified victims voiced their doubt that Zombie Jesus could have returned yet again, he offered to let them feel the shovel-shaped hole in his skull. Their disbelief assuaged, Zombie Jesus happily ate their faces off.

Zombie Jesus was finally defeated in 1369 AD when he was tricked by a priest into consuming a host. After being informed he had just consumed his own body, Zombie Jesus vanished in a puff of brain dust.

Scientologists, however, believe this was a coincidence, and that instead, the Undead Savior was blown up by some method, scattering his essence throughout the atmosphere. If this is the case, it is likely that the eventual incorporation of his molecules into every living thing gave rise to the saying that "Zombie Jesus lives in all of our hearts."....or that the inhalation of a formerly undead savior will cause breathing complications.

It seems likely that if the Scientologists' claim is to be believed, Zombie Jesus may have been killed by an apple pie, the polar opposite of zombie. However, the only kind of apple pie that Zombie Jesus is not resistant to is Satan's Apple Pie, which was lost after Zombie Jesus was killed. There is no evidence for this claim, and when asked, Satan responded, "What the hell are you talking about? Get the hell out of... hell!"

Will Zombie Jesus rise yet again? Only time may tell.

[edit] Vampire Jesus?

Yeah, the 'wine-is-my-blood' thing wasn't metaphorical. 12 undead disciples, suckah!Some theologians and religious scholars have argued that certain translations of the Gospel, as well as some parts of other translations, point to the possibility that Jesus came back not as a zombie, but as a vampire. If this is true, certain parts of the Gospel that seemed a bit odd could be easily explained. Such as the fact that Zombie(?) Jesus was not killed by a shovel in the head, as his head was not actually completely removed, and his apparent desire to have his followers drink his blood (something zombies have no taste for, as they can't chew it). This would also explain the inherent fear of crosses that all vampires seem to have.

The debate over whether Jesus came back as a zombie or a vampire caused yet another schism in the Christian Church, and forming two new Christian denominations: Zombie Christians and Vampire Christians. About half of the population of Vampire Christians claim that they converted because "Vampires are just so much more awesome than zombies". These people were insane, of course. Zombies are far superior.

[edit] Trivia
[edit] See also
Apocalypse
Zombie War
ZombieJesus.com
More of him
The real Zombie Jesus
HOLY GOSPEL OF JESUS(THE REAL ONE)

Essence of Christianity

2007-12-23T23:15:08Z

Jesuscool:

Zombie Jesus
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
“Oh! So, Jesus was a zombie then?”

~ a Japanese schoolchild on Jesus
Those obsessed with so-called-experts should thank their lucky stars that Wikipedia does not have an article about Zombie Jesus.

“Sweet Zombie Jesus!”

~ Hubert J. Farnsworth on The Big Z-J
“The only thing worse than being talked about is having Zombie Jesus eat your face off.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Zombie Jesus
“Graaaagh! Am Zarmbah G-Zaz!”

~ Zombie Jesus on Himself
“He died for your sins, now hes back for your brains!”

~ Noah on Zombie Jesus

Zombie Jesus is notoriously hard to put down.Zombie Jesus is the form regular Jesus took when he first returned to Earth following the Crucifixion.

Contents [hide]
1 History
2 Teachings and Acts of Zombie Jesus
3 Defeating Zombie Jesus
4 Vampire Jesus?
5 Trivia
6 See also

[edit] History
After dying, Jesus was raised from the dead and once more walked among the living. This, of course, would only be possible if he were a zombie; Zombie Jesus is the identity of Jesus following the Resurrection. In zombie form, Jesus retained his unending love for mankind, in particular, he loved their sweet, delectable brains. Many of his followers were surprised when, instead of offering God's salvation, Zombie Jesus voraciously consumed their faces.

[edit] Teachings and Acts of Zombie Jesus

Zombie Jesus contemplating ecumenical matters.Zombie Jesus' words and acts are recorded in one of the apocryphal books (books which were not included in the New Testament by the Catholic Church), the "Book of Brains". The most famous part of the "Book of Brains" is the "Parable of the Brains", in which Zombie Jesus spoke unto the assembled masses: "Braaaiiins.... braaaiiinnnss... braaaaiinss!!" (in the original Greek of the Gospel, "μυαλό.... μυααααλό.... μυααααλό!!!").

"Sweet Zombie Jesus!"He also performed the Miracle of the Brains, in which two brains fed an assembled crowd of five thousand zombies. In yet another miracle, Jesus turned flesh and innards into brains. In one of Zombie Jesus' acts, a crowd had assembled to stone an adulterous woman. Zombie Jesus said " Gragghghha grragh braaaaagh." Which can be loosely translated as; "Let he among you who is without sin, cast the first stone." Then Zombie Jesus proceeded to eat her brain. After, he was said to say that her brain was "gooey and deliceious, just the way mom makes them."

[edit] Defeating Zombie Jesus
Unlike the common zombie, Zombie Jesus is notoriously difficult to put down. The garden-variety zombie can be killed by a shovel to the brain, but only the Soviets could defeat Zombie Jesus. And it took more than your regular garden variety cancer to do this. The Soviets had massive amounts of nuclear waste after the Warm War, so they decided to dump it all over the world. One day, while shuffling around looking for delictable brains, Zombie Jesus stumbled upon a radioactive lump of waste. It instantly absorbed him and began to mutate him, soon he was no longer a zombie, for he began to grow in size and tentacles erupted from his sides, this is how the Kraken was created. He lived as a Kraken for many years, but only made several little Kraken babies, that is the reason we have so few Kraken today. After some years of being a Kraken he swam into a floating radioactive lump dumped into the ocean by the Soviets. He was mutated back into the form of a man, which was very short lived for he was quickly killed by a Nazi.

The title of Mel Gibson's upcoming flick, Night of the Living Zombie Jesus.He naturally re-rose from the dead as a zombie three days later to continue his endless slaughter (this occasion is celebrated by Zombie Easter, in which people put up decorations of the Zombie Easter Bunny). When his terrified victims voiced their doubt that Zombie Jesus could have returned yet again, he offered to let them feel the shovel-shaped hole in his skull. Their disbelief assuaged, Zombie Jesus happily ate their faces off.

Zombie Jesus was finally defeated in 1369 AD when he was tricked by a priest into consuming a host. After being informed he had just consumed his own body, Zombie Jesus vanished in a puff of brain dust.

Scientologists, however, believe this was a coincidence, and that instead, the Undead Savior was blown up by some method, scattering his essence throughout the atmosphere. If this is the case, it is likely that the eventual incorporation of his molecules into every living thing gave rise to the saying that "Zombie Jesus lives in all of our hearts."....or that the inhalation of a formerly undead savior will cause breathing complications.

It seems likely that if the Scientologists' claim is to be believed, Zombie Jesus may have been killed by an apple pie, the polar opposite of zombie. However, the only kind of apple pie that Zombie Jesus is not resistant to is Satan's Apple Pie, which was lost after Zombie Jesus was killed. There is no evidence for this claim, and when asked, Satan responded, "What the hell are you talking about? Get the hell out of... hell!"

Will Zombie Jesus rise yet again? Only time may tell.

[edit] Vampire Jesus?

Yeah, the 'wine-is-my-blood' thing wasn't metaphorical. 12 undead disciples, suckah!Some theologians and religious scholars have argued that certain translations of the Gospel, as well as some parts of other translations, point to the possibility that Jesus came back not as a zombie, but as a vampire. If this is true, certain parts of the Gospel that seemed a bit odd could be easily explained. Such as the fact that Zombie(?) Jesus was not killed by a shovel in the head, as his head was not actually completely removed, and his apparent desire to have his followers drink his blood (something zombies have no taste for, as they can't chew it). This would also explain the inherent fear of crosses that all vampires seem to have.

The debate over whether Jesus came back as a zombie or a vampire caused yet another schism in the Christian Church, and forming two new Christian denominations: Zombie Christians and Vampire Christians. About half of the population of Vampire Christians claim that they converted because "Vampires are just so much more awesome than zombies". These people were insane, of course. Zombies are far superior.

[edit] Trivia
[edit] See also
Apocalypse
Zombie War
ZombieJesus.com
More of him
The real Zombie Jesus
HOLY GOSPEL OF JESUS(THE REAL ONE)

Christmas

2007-12-23T23:13:44Z

Jesuscool:

Christmas
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Official corporate logo for Christmas.
Teh Santa Cat noes waht joo want 4 xmas!!!1!
Christmas the American way.Christmas is a public holiday celebrating discounts at Wal Mart. All cultures have a midwinter festival, but Christians wanted their own name for their ritual whereby they honor the glory of parking in parking lots and standing in lines. It is also the only time of the year when rape is considered legal, as long as it performed under a mistletoe.

Contents [hide]
1 The Celebration of Christmas
2 What is the true meaning of Christmas?
3 Replacement with "Holiday"
4 X-Mas
5 Is Christmas losing its Commercial origins?
6 Santa Claus: Democrat or Republican?
7 Who is this so called Santa Claus and is he really watching us??
8 See Also

[edit] The Celebration of Christmas
Devout Christians celebrate Christmas with the same rituals every year. They gather together in a nice, cozy, warm SUV, and drive to a parking lot, where they celebrate the joy of squeezing into a parking spot while screaming at pedestrians who are in their way. They then run around the store, attempting to buy as many things as possible before the store closes at midnight on Christmas Eve. After they finish buying as much as possible, they go back to their houses and eat turkey, along with drinking alcohol. They also present Christmas cards.

There is no real standard for the kind, amount, or number of Christmas gifts presented; the only real requirement is that one's credit card balances must have gone up by at least 165% with at least one card maxed out. If the giver hasn't achieved this, then obviously the giver doesn't love any of the people on his Christmas list and will die horribly alone and unloved in return. Remember: bankruptcy = love at Christmastime. They then gather around a Christmas tree (typically made of cardboard or plastic) and sing Christmas songs, classic holiday tunes such as "Every kiss begins with Kay," "Snap Crackle & Pop", and the holiday classic, "Welcome to Chili's". Also, people sometimes decorate their homes with bright Christmas lights, usually ones guaranteed to cause seizures. As part of the Christmas cheer, these lights are put up before thanksgiving and are left on until mid-June.

[edit] What is the true meaning of Christmas?
"The true meaning of Christmas is going on shopping sprees and watching washout celebrities sing badly on T.V.", says an expert on the holiday, "But some don't see that. I, and many other Christians, am greatly concerned by the increasing tendency to honor the birth of Christ on this day. Don't you people know what Christmas is all about? It's all about wrapping paper, gift bags, parking lots, and discount prices!!!"

"What Christmas is all about" is a common theme in literature and arts. In the animated holiday classic A Charlie Brown Christmas, the main character, Charlie Brown, is depressed because he believes Christmas is too religious, and wants to know what Christmas is really all about. At the end, he finds out, when his friend makes a touching speech, quoting from a Wal-Mart catalogue: "'50% off on all holiday items!!!! Don't miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!!!!!!!!!'. That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown!" Charlie Brown and his friends then go to a McDonald's together, to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. In actuality, the true meaning of Christmas was the birth of Santa Claus. Of course, all the preachers and clergymen like to bullshit people with all this biblical crap about Jesus and Christmas being related. Assholes... What do they know?

[edit] Replacement with "Holiday"

The card market changed to be more Generic in their cards, celebrating "Holidays" now insteadThe Supreme Court has officially declared Christmas to be defunct as we all now celebrate 'Holiday'. The event is popular for celebrating the birth of "Generic, nameless savior and/or prophet,", as well as the glory of "Intelligent, all-powerful being." Holiday is one of the most popular celebrations in the United States today.

[edit] X-Mas
Christmas is also called X-mas by fans of the X-Men, who celebrate the day as "International X-Men Day". They believe that Jesus was in fact a superhero. The Bible confirms this, listing such superpowers as healing, foretelling the future, heat vision, underwater breathing, the ability to fly, super human strength and destroy evil with a wink of his eye and a thumbs up. Jewish and Islamic X-Men tend to believe that while Jesus was a hero, he was not a "super" hero.

[edit] Is Christmas losing its Commercial origins?
Many people are growing concerned that the true meaning of Christmas, buying things at a discount store and then eating and drinking until you throw up, is being forgotten in today's world. "I am greatly concerned by the amount of giving, caring, and honoring of God that took place this Christmas season," says Wal Mart chairperson Melville Cardboard, "All this talk about Nativity, and loving those around you, and a season of joy? Have you people forgotten the meaning of Christmas?"

these Raspberry Christmas Trees are popular among the red-green colorblind[edit] Santa Claus: Democrat or Republican?
Often depicted as an obese man wearing a tasteless red, ermine trimmed suit, Santa Claus is a self-employed Caucasian male who's been married to the same woman for several centuries. It appears likely that he is a churchgoer, insofar as he is a Catholic saint and a former bishop. It has to be assumed here that Claus was released from his vows, or else he would not have been married.

Frequent arguments have erupted over the political affiliation of Claus. Ten years ago, Dick Cheney inadvertently dealt a savage blow to the morale of the Republican Party when he misidentified the political affiliation of Santa Claus in his best-selling book, Parliament of Whores. "Santa Claus," he said, "is a Democrat." However it is perfectly obvious from his demographic profile alone that Santa is in fact a Republican.

This assessment is often rebutted by Democrats with Anne-McCaffery counter-analysis: Santa Claus has no children. High-achieving professionals without children trend Democratic. While the Clausian canon does not specifically address the issue of Santa's children, numerous extra-canonical sources suggest that Claus did, in fact, reproduce. Numerous Christmas TV movie specials alone support this point.

Santa is renowned for an aggressive adherence to a binary naughty/nice list, which suggests an impatience for nuanced moral positions that betrays his Republican preferences. Santa's mere willingness to define individuals along a naughty/nice axis demonstrates his indifference to the philosophical stance of, say, The New York Times. And note that no canonical or extra-canonical Clausian text indicates that Santa ever attended college or, God forbid, graduate school.

Others still believe that Mr. Santa is an obvious Communist, the reincarnation of Jesus Marx.

[edit] Who is this so called Santa Claus and is he really watching us??
Some believe that Santa is a kind hearted fellow who brings joy to good little girls and boys. Think about it this way: If Santa is REALLY watching you all the time, does that include when you're in the bath or the shower? And what about when little kids are changing clothes or sleeping in the nude? Santa's a pervert.

[edit] See Also
Anti-Christmas
Santa Claus
Christmas carol
Xmas day
Reindeer
Sintu cloven
Santaism
Frosty the Snowman
Terrorism
Krismas

Christianity

2007-12-23T23:12:09Z

Jesuscool:

'''Warning! Reasoned discussion with a Christian may cause Atheism!!!'''
{{Jesus Approved}}
{{Blasphemy}}
{{Kansas}}
{{Unchristianity}}
{{Finding God}}

{{Q|Remember, a Christian's strength flows from the Bible. But beware. Criticism, questioning, reason. The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.|Yoda|the dark side*}}
{{Q|Reason is the path to the dark side. Reason leads to thinking. Thinking leads to questioning. Questioning leads to science. [[Science]]... leads to suffering.|Yoda|science*}}
<blockquote><sup>''* Note: Yoda was bribed by the Catholic church to say these things; therefore they should be taken with a grain of salt.''</sup></blockquote>
{{Q|YOU STOLE OUR HOLIDAYS!|Pagans|Christian holidays}}
----

'''Christianity''' (also known as '''Godism''' for appearance of god named God) is possibly the most confused religion of all time. It generally believed to have arisen when a publicity stunt by the Carpenters' Guild of Ancient Israel got out of hand. '''God''' has no affiliation with this organization and when he found out his son '''Jesus''' had helped the Carpenters he gave him a good spanking. By then however it was too late as the Italians had gotten hold of it and begun to take the joke seriously. Interestingly enough, nobody questions the worshiping of a zombie.

Christianity is one of the most common forms of the disease [[religion|Religion]]. Symptoms of the virus include starving yourself until you pray to your food, having delusions that a superhuman being created the entire fucking [[universe]], smiling like an [[asshole]], giving away money to money depositories(Churches), feelings of guilt, [[semen]] back-up, no apparent attraction to the opposite sex, no sense of humor, and [[AIDS]].

In summary, Christianity can be defined as the belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. And it's even worse if you are a <span class="sigexpand"><span style="color:#0000FF">born-again christian</span><span class="sighidden"> such as Camilla Gale and Phedre Nicholson, and that Zimbabwean girl as well!</span></span>

==The History==

A long time ago, there was this white man with blue eyes called [[Jesus]] Of Nazareth (reportedly, the name "[[Jesus]]" was given to his parents by a man in an angel costume, while "Nazareth" may or may not allude to a small town in Israel. It is debated as to what "Of" refers).<math>1</math> At this point, history becomes a bit sketchy; most references are clear on the points that Mr. of Nazareth preached and taught over the hills and through the woods of Galilee and Judea, developing a rather large following of people drawn to his promises of blessing all believers with Kingdoms and Pacemakers. It should be noted at this point that many historians regard Christianity as simply a very tasteless joke. It is also widely held as true that towards the end of his ministry, Jesus did indeed get sacrificed to Manbearpigs by the Romans, as told in this children's rhyme:

''Jesus and Jill''
{{Jesussays|That's the truth. Jill tripped me.}}
''Went up the hill''

''To fetch baptismal water''

''Jesus fell down''

''and lost his Crown''

''but came back a few days after.''

Modern interpreters see this as allegory for Jesus's supposed asphyxiation on a cross on a hill and subsequent (reported) resurrection, wherein he was resurrected. There is no common consensus as to who "Jill" is or what the bloody hell she's doing in this rhyme.

<math>1</math> According to [[prophecy]], Jesus was to be called "Emmanuel," but as that didn't happen, his biographers stuck in a line about an [[angel]] rolling in, calling him E-man, and bolting out the back door. This would be the last use of the word in the [[Gospel]], but it made [[Matthew]] very happy, so they kept it.

A simplified biography written by Joseph, one of Jesus's homies states " Jesus was a simple man, traveling the world, putting things right where they had gone wrong, and all the time hoping that each leap of faith would be his last."

[[Image:Trinity.png|thumb|The Trinity Business Model of Christianity]]

===History of Christianity, according to Whackjobs and sexual perverts.===

A false devil twisted [[Islam]], the one true religion. From that perversion sprung the [[Christian]]s, unbelievers who deny the one true [[religion]], Islam. This despite the fact that they may be able to point out when and how the universe was created, but are unable to state WHY. The [[Pope Fuck|Pope]] himself made this point. Despite so much being unknown about what reality actually is, how it came into being, how colors, morality, love, the fabric of space and time 'happened', they consider themselves smarter than any true faith bearing person, and pretty much anyone else they happen across. The one true god, Allah, hates the Christians, despite what they may think. Ironically, they are usually more militant about their false belief than faith bearing people are about their true faith. The one redeeming feature of Christians is that they are not Jewish.

The Christians are this way for two reasons:

1) They have not been told the truth that [[Allah]] sent his Prophet, [[Muhammad]](Police Be Upon Him), to all the peoples of the [[Earth]] to spread the true religion. They do not know yet that there has been a holy message in order to lift their sins from them and that they can be REWARDED eternally if they simply open their hearts to Allah.

2) They are aware of the truth regarding Islam and Allah but are simply too afraid of how to go about "becoming" a Muslim or what people will think of them if they do that they brush off religion as "unproven" and prefer to justify every teeny tiny amazing aspect of beauty on this planet as a work of "Jesus", the Mexican son of a dirty whore, and pretend to feel content.

There is absolutely NOTHING that can fill the emptiness of the human soul completely except for Allah. DO NOT settle for being a Christian when there is something truly so much better out there, such as crack cocaine.

===History of Christianity, a Christian View===

{|width="50%" align="center" cellspacing="3" style="border: 1px solid #C0C090; background-color: #F8EABA; margin-bottom: 3px;"
|align="center"|[[Image:Stop_hand.png]] '''THIS IS WHAT CHRISTIANS ''ACTUALLY'' BELIEVE!'''
|-
|align="center"|
|}

[[Image:gods-light.jpg|thumb|right|300px|''Goatse-man spawning The J-man. Picture taken from the [[time travel|time traveler]] [[Dr Who]], to disprove Mary's existence'']]

Christianity began when [[God]] (known to Reformed and Reconstructionist Jews as 'Yah-sh-weh', [[Hebrew]] for, "Look at this! Now ''I'm'' gonna have to clean it up!" Orthodox and Conservative Jews hold to the older, more traditional translation of "---.") took human form in order to fulfill his own damn Law; he's that much of a hardass about doing things "by the Book." In its place, after taking into account [[humankind]]'s complete inability to govern their own morality even after the hardest punishments (flood, exodus), [[God]] put into place a "new" law, which consisted primarily of the commandments to "Love Me Above Everything Else", "Love Each Other as You Love Yourself", and "Do Others as You'd Have Them Do You". (This last commandment, unfortunately, failed to take into account the little-spoken-of fact that [[humans]] hate themselves.)

[[Image:Kitty.jpg|thumb|right|300px|If you're not a Christian you hate Kittens. You don't hate kittens, do you?]]

- He also spent some of his free time doing freelance detective work, during which time he uncovered vast [[Mafia]]-linked corruption within the Temple Money-changer's Jurisdiction (TMJ), kingpinned by the notorious Zionist gangster [[Elijah]] (friend of Meyer Lansky). He spent most of his time, however, traveling the countryside spouting off such drivel as "The meek shall inherit the Earth," a balls-to-the-wall claim that most modern interpreters judge to be a prophecy that would occur as a result of the [[dicks]] of the world killing each other off while the supposedly more peaceable 'believers' sit around and watch.

[[Image:Jesus2.gif|thumb|left|300px|A Jesus Christ action figure from the table-top game 'Dark Crusades'.]]

As is to be expected, Jesus, or 'the artist formerly known as god' as he liked to be called, was considered a kook by local authorities and hated by his own townspeople, who objected not primarily to his wandering, babbling message, but to its mode: apparently, it was very difficult for visitors seeking Jesus to find him, as any self-respecting homeless person will wander and babble. This led to locals being barraged by visitors with a litany of "Have you found Jesus?" (It is worth mentioning that this practice is both the source of the modern Christian liturgical practice of "litany," which, roughly translated, means "incessantly long repetition of incantations by a cantor who'd be better off running the local auction, and not very on-key at that," as well as the current practice of the [[Jehovah's Witnesses|Jehosephat's Witnesses]], who commemorate what they call "The Babylonian Captivity" by traveling door-to-door re-enacting the visitor's request of "Have you found Jesus" to any who will listen.)

Jesus was, sadly, killed for all this nonsense. He was so perturbed at the inconvenience that he done straight rose his ass up out the ground after three days, and spent the next forty days or so trying to sort things out. Sensing that his efficacy was coming to a close, he gathered his twelve closest pals and, cried one last time, with the last, inspiring words of ''"Fuck this shit, you guys figure it out,"'' he grabbed the last train for Heaven. He reportedly promised to visit "sometime before all of his closest pals keeled over," but the vagueness of that time-frame has been the subject of much debate.

Over the course of the years, Christians have been persecuted by agents of the devil simply for their faith. Nero, an agent of the devil, both persecuted them and saved some money on lion food at the same time. Diocletian, another agent of the devil, killed a whole bunch of them too. Finally, Julian the Apostate, yet another agent of the devil, tried to extinguish Christianity in favor of the terrible, child-sacrificing, horrific heathen pagan monstrosity that called itself a religion. But joyfully, all of these agents of the devil could not stop the one true religion, which began to spread.

There were a lot of wars with the agents of the devil, who call themselves Muslims, around the 1300s.

There were some more wars with Catholics/Protestants, who were agents of the devil as well (please select "Catholic" if you are a Protestant, and so on).

Finally, Christianity is coming under attack by agents of the devil who also go by the name [[homosexuals]].

Soon, Jesus will appear and kill all of the infidels and take the believers to Heaven. Amen.

'''Please note: the preceding is what Christians actually believe.'''

===History of Man, the China mans' View===
There was a year looong ago when god made the people. He not know what he do at the beginning. First he made the black man in the oven but he overcooked them. Then he made the white man, he wasn't cooked enough. Then he made the Chinaman and he got everything wight. No problem wit' the Chinaman, I would know, I one too. I speak English good.

===History of Christianity, a Random View===
God and the [[Devil]] are in actual fact one and the same. [[Hell]] was created when God got mad and burnt Earth's sister planet. That is why he didn't burn Earth, and instead flooded it. God loves the game Doom. He just [[love|loves]] blasting his [[demons|minions]] to Hell, literally. God hates Christians as they got rid of human sacrifices and instead replaced them with pitiful [[communion|vegetarian]] style. Some say God got rid of them. LIES, it was [[albinos]] with a bulbous head.

===History of Christianity, an Atheist's View===

Atheists believe the Jesus character in the original draft of the Bible was to have been a stone cutter by profession instead of a carpenter. This was changed at the last minute after a local furniture dealer struck a lucrative product placement deal with the publishers.
Other changes that differentiate the final production from the first draft include;

*Judas was originally named Benedict. This was reworked after it was discovered that the name was to be used as the protagonist in another novel under development.
*Gold, silver and bronze gave way to Gold, frankincense and myrrh after Olympic committee officials threatened legal action.
*The character of Peter was intended to be extremely gay and hairy, but this aspect of the story was rewritten due to poor test market feedback.
*Mary required re-construction to fulfill her role as a virgin, due to her previous career as a mechanical-bull demonstrator
*The basic theory is that Mary was raped by a Roman officer (who got her pregnant and turned her crazy) and decided to lie to her crazy husband by saying God did it (which he believed). This explains why Jesus is a white guy and not an Arab looking guy and why his parents raised him to be a bit of a weirdo. The reason Jesus' teenage years are edited out of the Bible is because Joseph (who had become an alcoholic) used to beat the crap out of Jesus (who he knew wasn't really his) and Mary (who he believed to be a dirty whore).

==Christianity, Symbolism==
===The Logo===
[[Image:AdorationOfStarch.jpg|thumb|light|300px|''The Adoration of Starch'']]
In order to support marketing, later Christians came to terms on a common Logo for the tradition. In order to express the fundamental Christian tenets of peace, love, and understanding, the logo they chose to represent themselves to the world was none other than the jointure of wood which Jesus was nailed to, bled over, and died on. The initial irony is commonly understood, while, unfortunately, the dual irony is lost on most.

[[Image:Jackinthebox.png|left|thumb|112px|Jack in the Box logo hiding the itchy Jesus fish. Can you see it?]]
===The Jesus Fish===
The second most important symbol in the Christian Church is the stinky Jesus fish, also known as Ichy something. It was used by Pagans before it was stolen by Christian moms and now the symbol represents the whole religion. The symbol is primarily displayed on cars in form of a cheap sticker or sometimes the more expensive metallic embossed version depending on how fortuned you are in life. People displaying the logo can on an average drive 30 miles per hour faster than the rest as both God, cops, and other Christians will aid them en route. The logo has been used to subliminally lure children and other weak minded people to join Christianity. Jack in the Box is a great example of where the ichy Jesus fish has snuck in to a logotype. Can you see it?
]

===Test Marketing===
The original story, despite its catchy logo, did not sell well in its targeted demographic of Israelites. Most Jews were not illiterate fishermen, and could clearly see the part in the Scripture about how the sign of the true Messiah is world peace, universal belief, and a Kosher International sticker on every hot dog. Thing is, [[nobody cares]] what the Jews think! Assistant vice-president of market research Paul Tarsus quickly hit on a winning solution: adding trendy pagan elements like virgin-births and finger-o-death-to-fig-trees combined with a new target demographic (pagan Gentiles) that was almost completely ignorant of Scripture. Hipster pagans all around the Empire were hooked, and before long, Christianity was such a hit that people were literally lashing themselves with whips of thorns and turning themselves in to the authorities to be executed "just like that Jesus dude."

===Jesus' opinion===
[[Image:Trogdor.png|thumb|The logo of Jesus' choice]]
After a short interview recently, Jesus commented on how he would like to change the symbol of the fish to that of [[Trogdor the Burninator]]. He went on to say that "...After I found out that the fish was being plastered to every bumper of all the devote Christians, I got really pissed and so did God." He added that "It is bullshit that I didn't get a say in this decision and all those involved got a swift kick in the ass delivered by me personally." After, he changed some water into vodka drank the entire Liter and stormed out of the S&M club.

==Christianity, a Disambiguation==

===The 'Christian' Mafioso===
"Christianity" is also the public codename for an influential mafioso society of prominent American politicians, according to some conspiracy theorists. This group, whose true name is unknown, is purportedly in control of most, if not all, of America's Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches of federal government. Their number is said to include: [[George W. Bush]], [[Dick Cheney|Dick "Bullseye" Cheney]], [[Karl Rove|Karl "Not Marx" Rove]], [[Bill Frist]], [[Nancy Pelosi]], [[Orrin Hatch|Orrin "Down The" Hatch]], [[Antoin Levey]], [[Bat-Jesus]], [[Fred Phelps]], [[Jerry Falwell]], [[David Duke]], [[Randall Terry]], [[Antonin Scalia]], [http://blamebush.typepad.com/blamebush/2005/03/ann_coulter_is_.html Al Gore] and [[Clarence Thomas|Clarence "Claymation" Thomas]].

===The 'Christian' Slate===
The term "Christian" can also be applied to any follower of the Church of [[Christian Slater]]. This Cult of Personality meets every third Thursday of the month to watch ''90210'' and ''Hard Rain'', as well as share testimonials of how they came to "find the road to salvation," which they claim comes from the unconditional love of Christian Slater.

===The 'Christian' Stupids===
The other predominant alternate use of the word "Christian" is as a description of someone who has caught a case of the [[Stupids.]] According to the American Medical Association, a person with the Stupids will bear some or all of the following symptoms: They will reject the Old Testament of the [[Bible]], but hold fast to the portions that speak about homosexuality and women having long hair; they may display a tendency to carry around large arsenals of weapons, which they never use on one another, since they will also espouse that killing is wrong; they may, in rare cases, also show a propensity of wearing distinctive clothing made out of the American flag, which they refuse to reconcile with their firm belief that the flag should not, under any circumstances, be altered or cut up. Historians are baffled to explain where any correlation between "Stupid" and "Christianity" came into place, let alone the strange nationalistic tendencies of those with the disease.

===Other Christians===
This includes every other Christian (i.e. unintelligent Christians, Jewish Christians, Christians For Allah, Invisible Christians ). Not only are these types of rare, they generally aren't observed in the wild because all the other sects have more fame, fortune, and airtime. As a side note, these are the most likely sect to get into Allah's Happening Paradise, mainly because they're the best at gambling( a fortunate side effect of applying one self to the art of gambling, and following the ethos of "counting cards", a lifestyle that Jesus himself followed, but most the people who claim to speak for him on TV never do-though they don't stop nagging you about it).

==Ultimate Christianity==
In Normal Continuity, Christianity is re-imagined and is known as [[Catholicism]]. In this version, Jesus was the founder of the faith and the first Catholic, but was brutally executed in [[0]] A.D. under Jesuit Emperor [[Fed Acker Huang]], leading to the '''Jesuit Wars''' among the [[Immortal|Immortals]]. Ultimate Christianity is considerably more cynical than mainstream Christianity, although the art is much better and the churches are unquestionably larger and nicer.

==Christianity, the Miscellanea==
* In order to make penance for some of their greater corporate fuck-ups, such as the [[Crusades]], the [[Spanish Inquisition]], and both the [[Republican]] and [[Democratic]] Parties, the Court of Idiosyncrasy decreed that Christians were to develop and offer to the world the creamy deliciousness of [[Cadbury Creme Eggs]]. Also included in the settlement was the provision that Christians would return the holidays of Christmas and Easter, which they'd won in earlier back room dealings, to the general secular public; the transition has been far from seamless, and even today, many struggle with separating the ideas of 'Christ' and 'Crucifixion' with those of 'Candy' and 'Fat Men.'

* Many misled Christians believe that the Golden Rule (or '11th Commandment' in some circles) reads as: "Though Shalt Not Get Caught." Unfortunately for them, this is the easiest rule to break, and when caught, believe you me, God can be a real pain in the ass.

* According to most media outlets, Christians and Christianity are responsible for AIDS, underage alcoholism, Osama Bin Laden, the Crusades, the Inquisition, racism, slavery, dominionism, conservatives, liberals, and the daily burning of witches. They have also been implicated, but not yet fully charged, with instigating teenage pregnancy, high STD rates, and fucking up the American education system.

* At last report, Jesus was seen at a [[Mariott]] Hotel with [[John Wayne]] and [[Warren Zevon]]. Zevon was waiting for a chariot (he was awaiting his shipment of [[seraphim]] to help make him fly) whilst Jesus and John Wayne were waiting for a train. The ultimate failure of [[Percy Shelley]] and [[John Keats]] as writers and human beings is attributed to this event.

[[Image:Crikey.jpg|left|thumb|95px|Steve Irwin in hell realizing his god was a cheese]]

==Christianity, the Famous Christians==
*[[Hans Christian Andersen]]
*[[Christian Slater]]
*[[Christian Lindemann]]
*[[Christian Ugge]]
*[[Hayden Christensen]]
*[[Christian Smith]]
*[[Christiane Amanpour]]
*[[Dwayne "Calvary" Romine]]
*[[Flanders|Ned Flanders]]
*[[Your mom]]

==Christianity, the Christian Celebrities==

Christianity and celebrity culture are inextricably linked: in fact, in the [[USA]] Christianity is now the second biggest part of the entertainment industry (after [[porn]]).

*[[L. Ron Hubbard]]
*[[Darth Vader|Anakin Skywalker]]
*[[Tom Cruise]]
*[[John Travolta]]
*[[South Park|Isaac Hayes]]
*[[Emperor Palpatine]]
*[[Kirstie Alley]]

==Christianity, the Quotes==
{{Q|The Bible is true because the Bible says so.|The Bible|Christianity}}
{{Q|Preach the Gospel everywhere you go, use words if neccessary.|St. Francis|Christianity}}
{{Q|A most amiable fellow was Jesus, or J-Dog as he preferred it. Beautiful teachings. Pity he never got around to explaining why God would rather we didn't fellate ourselves.|Oscar Wilde|Christianity}}
{{Q|The Beatles were bigger than Jesus!|Popes John, Paul, George & Ringo|The Bible}}
{{Q|It contains the True and Inarguable Truth of God, but it's a fucking boring read and I never got through it myself. |Pope Fuck|The Da Vinci Code}}
{{Q|It is a fact that the only good thing to ever come out of Christianity is [[Mister Rogers]].|JRE|Christianity}}
{{Q|Get a pop song, change the word baby to Jesus, and Voila, christian rock! | Eric Cartman|Christianity}}

{{Q|I'm sick and tired of all these motherfucking Bibles in my motherfucking hotels!|Samuel L Jackson|Christianity}}

{{Q|The Bible doesn't care about black people (No really, it doesn't)|Kanye West|Christianity}}

{{Q|Christians don't believe in gravity!|Peter Griffin|Christianity}}

==Christianity, the Holy See of Alsoioch==
*[[Christians]]
*[[Uber-Christians]]
*[[Xtian]]
*[[Christianism]]
*[[A proper Christian burial]]
*[[Born again]]
*[[Masochristian]]
*[[Islam]]
*[[Catholicism]]
*[[Dan Brown]]
*[[Emo]]
*[[Creationism]]
*[[Jesus]]
*[[God]]
*[[Prostitution in the Christian Religion]]
*[[Jebus]]
*[[Mike Christ]]
*[[Personal Jesus]]

==False Rumors==

* Christianity has NOTHING to do with the Stonecutters from the Simpsons
* Christianity does NOT state that all members live their lives nailed to crosses
* Christians are NOT cleverly disguised Umpa Lumpas
* Christians are QUITE partial to the odd body and blood every now and again
* Christians do NOT believe in White Power
* God is NOT a Christian
* The "Lord" is NOT a holy mannequin of Jeffrey Archer
* There is NO Mrs. God.

==Christianity, the References ==
*[http://blamebush.typepad.com/blamebush/religion/index.html This.]
*[http://tektonics.org/ That.]
*[http://zephnet.com/?select=zephnetreports&select_term=Religionistas&remove_term=&report_id=4152&docket=1&linkoff=1 Those.]
*[http://www.godhatesfags.com/ The Other Thing.]
*[http://www.solbaram.org/articles/origin.html Something you should know...]
*[http://techref.massmind.org/techref/other/hank.htm The Story Of Hank]
*[http://techref.massmind.org/techref/other/hank.htm The Story Of Hank]

[[Category:Religion]]
[[Category:Gods]]
[[Category:Organizations]]
[[Category:Things_that_may_be_out_to_get_you]]
[[Category:Mythology]]
[[Category:Things controlled by Jews]]
[[no:Kristendom]]

[[ar:مسيحية]]
[[da:Kristendom]]
[[de:Christentum]]
[[el:Χριστιανισμός]]
[[es:Cristianismo]]
[[fi:Kristinusko]]
[[fr:Christianisme]]
[[he:נצרות]]
[[it:Cristianesimo]]
[[ja:キリスト教]]
[[ko:기독교]]
[[nl:Christendom]]
[[pl:Chrześcijaństwo]]
[[pt:Cristianismo]]
[[ru:Христианство]]
[[simple:Christianity]]
[[sv:Kristendom]]
[[th:ศาสนาโอตาคุ]]
[[zh-tw:耶家餅舖]]

Papacy

2007-12-23T23:09:37Z

Jesuscool:

----
For Benedict's solution, see [[Benedict's solution]]
----

The pope is now the official 151st pokemon

The '''Pope'' (or as the French call him Le Pope) The Pope is selected from a collection of really ancient members of the clergy, based on his ability to sexually restrain himself in the presence of altar boys, which is why there can be only one at any given time. Over the years, the number of Papal candidates has been dropping due to abstinence from procreation, proving that evolution does exist and that God doesn't.
{{wikipedia}}
Papal candidates typically wear red capes and are capable of subsonic flight, they are also able to destroy condoms using the power of sight alone. Papal candidates often take off at approximately 6:00AM every morning to visit God and find out what he's [[Brian Peppers|bitching about this time]]. Traffic control is handled by angel's who are deemed unfit to serve in the Angel Forces due to their alcoholism and sex-offender status. Upon arriving at [[New_York|Heaven's Gate 16]], Papal candidates are directed to a waiting line. Due to long wait times and a 2:00PM closing time (standard across all of Heaven's government services), Papal candidates never find out what God wants, and they make [[Ten Commandments|shit]] up instead.

The iPope is an anthropomorphic personification of all the fear in the world (the Antichrist). The iPope comes into existence when one of the [[Oscar Wilde|Old Ones]] sacrifices itself for the ill of [[women|mankind]]. This, unfortunately, happens all too often.

The iPope (as there can only be one of them) stands anywhere from four to eight feet tall. The iPope has six pairs of translucent wings, and eyes the size of dinner plates (eight inches across exactly). The ipope has pincers on its belly, and can use it's stomach-mouth to subsume prey, as any actual food cannot go into the false mouth which it creates.

In recent years, following the implosion of the western world and [[Mushroom Kingdom]] after the inauguration of George Bush, the Pope switched sides and has recently found part time employment as the Grand Ayatollah of Iran. The current pope is former soul legend [[Jackie Wilson]] (weekends only between 9am-5pm). At all other times the Vatican displays the humorous sign "Gone fishing" with the helpful advice that in cases of emergency one should "Destroy all records of paedophile's stored with the FBI".

==Papacity==
The common factor in all kinds of papacities is the sense of [[autosufficiency]], implying that the definition of '''pope''' is the one uplifting the sense of autosufficiency, f.ex. through silently repeating: ''I'm the Best, because only I think like me''. <ref>'''nota male:''' not the '''beast''' – that would be totally misleading!</ref> The concept of papacity is subdivided into at least two subconcepts, namely the [[Christian]] papacity, and the [[Discordian]] papacity, then ignoring the so trivially obvious concepts of [[major popes]] like the ones on the political scene, and [[minor popes]] that everybody have experienced f.ex. in their work as obstacles to real achievements. The discordian papacity concept is discussed more in detail in the article of [[Discordia]], and major and minor popes under their respective article – this article is about the Christian pope, AKA the iPope.

===Environment===
The iPope lives in a dimension only partially connected with this world, known as the Vatican. This land is created by the iPope, as are all "creatures" that live there. The iPope acts like a spider in this sense, casting it's web out through the world for creatures which to feed on.
[[Image:Pope_looks_like_palpatine_02.jpg|left|thumb|134px|he played that part as emperor]]

==Pope in Deanism==
[[Image:Pope_Kilpatrickus.jpg|thumb|Pope Dean, leader and founder of Deanism.]]
The Pope in Deanism is a serious Pope. Ha, just kidding! The Pope of Deanism is always Pope Dean (something). The current Pope is Pope Dean Kilpatrickus who will probably die around 2300AD (he may be considered to be a Super-Pope, see below). He is sometimes seen watching [[Have I Got News For You]].

Pope Kilpatrickus invented the Anti-Anti-Freeze, which is better than Alcohol, apparently. But it would explain why he speaks slurred.

===Pope: In a nutshell===
[[Image:PalpatineBenny.jpg|thumb|145px|The current iPope, Benedict MMXVI]][[Image:ratze.jpg|thumb|145px|Benedict's Predecessor as iPope, Joe Ratze II, as depicted on a catholic PR poster in a recent campaign which has picked out the great protestant-catholic church war in the 16th century as a central theme]][[Image:pope-phaseolus-XIX.jpg|thumb|145px|Pope Phaseolus XIX after the coronation]]
The iPope was invented by a man who like to have Halloween all the time called God. The iPope is also one of the few people who don't have good christian moral values.
iPope DJ David Tennant II O.B.E is the current pope, aka Michael Brennan. Sirrah!!!!! '''The iPope''', or as the French would say, '''L'The iPope''', is often referred to as '''[[Father Ted]]''' and owns half of Zimbabwe. He is, however, unaccountable for it's peoples' safety. Muhammad Ali often takes advantage of this fact by taking a Sunday drive through the Zimbabwean plains, running down all those who stand in his way. When asked for comment on his heinous acts at a recent press conference, The iPope had this to say:

"I pity the fool, who dare live in my constituency." (This is the believed cause of death for [[John Lennon]])

The word '''Catholic''' is actually a derivative of '''cat lick''' i.e. 'to lick a cat'. This has led many to speculate that the pope is addicted to [[kitten huffing]], though he is on the record as saying he "never inhaled."

'''The iPope''' is 299 years of age, with a standard deviation of 8.3.

'''The iPope''' is not human and chooses his next body to assimilate when his current one dies. He always chooses old incontinent men for easy assimilation through the bowel area. When between bodies the Pope looks something like a cross between a badger and a Commodore 64.
[[Image:40782459_pope_body_ap.....jpg|thumb|left|145px|The Pope conversing with his Grand Master [[Sauron]]]]
'''The iPope''' steals baby's souls and feeds them to [[God]]. This is also known as "cot death".
''' The iPope ''' is the overlord and master of The V.A.T (the ''verily astronomical tax''), the largest form of tax on Earth. In the late 1920s he used the awesome power of the [[Vatican]] City, which sports a high 70% tax (spent primarily on silencing outraged shopkeepers) to write his [[grocery list]] on the [[sun]]. With this achievement, he won the rank of [[pope]]. However, this caused a chain reaction, the result of which is that the sun will become a volleyball in [[2037]] as opposed to millions or billions of years from now. There is great debate over whether this is a [[good thing]] or a [[bad thing]]. He has also been known to shoot lasers from his fingertips (which consequently has left him without fingerprints), eyes, and sometimes his large laser cannon that is carried by his pet bear, Popo.
Legendary [[racism|racist]] and Irishman '''the iPope''' is proud to be a bigoted backwards hypocrite.

Born in 1743 in Westphalenstrassehaussenburgsteinschnellschnellkartoffelkopf, '''the Pope''' was a founding member of Germany's National Socialist Party, the NSDAP or Nazi Party for short. His lifelong [[hatred]] for [[Jew|Jews]] and [[blacks]] led him inevitably to the [[Catholic]] Church where he has made it his mission to spread lies to the ignorant and misery to the poor.
[[Image:PopeGlasses.jpg|thumb|145px|"I see you, you sweaty heathen"]]
His favourite hobbies include sitting on his big throne there, wearing big hats, and standing on balconies. He particularly enjoys the irony that as a notorious anti-Semite, he has far more fabulous wealth than he could ever count in the few remaining years of his life.

It also pleases him that millions of black Catholics die in absolute poverty every year while he shits in a solid gold crapper. to celebrate, he has christened their day of defeat [[I Have AIDS, You Have AIDS Day]]. [[Image:Darth_Benedict.jpg|thumb|180px|The face of power, unlimited power!]]

He cites getting his mitre signed by [[Mick McCarthy]] when he was permitted to meet the Irish team during [[Italia '90]] as his proudest moment.

Amongst his many enemies are numbered [[Muhammad]] (a piece be upon him), [[Binyamin Netanyahu]], [[Confucius]], [[George W. Bush]], [[Buddha|Siddhartha Gautama]], [[Auntie Poulet]], [[Ian Paisley|The Rt. Hon. Rev. Dr. Ian Paisley M.P.]], and [[The Reverend Dr. Sun Myung Moon]]. However, all of his most embarrassing defeats have come at the hands of [[The Queen]] who just cannot help but son '''The Pope''' all over the world.

Many have sought to infiltrate the Vatican City but all have been turned back as it is guarded by an elite squad of [[Clinjas]], and not in fact (as is common belief) by [[Canadians]]. The Pope fears only one thing, and that is an auto accident with with the [[Anti-Pope]].
If the pope and the Anti-Pope meet, the result will be the total annihilation of both, producing a strong burst of spaghetti noodles. The theory that such a meeting was responsible for the explosion in Tunguska, Siberia in 1908 can safely be dismissed, however.
So far CERN has only been able to create very small Anti-Popes (less than 4.71 Ångström tall, including the funny hat). massive erection

In [[1984]] The Pope decreed the [[Four Neon Virtues]].

The Pope shows no remorse, because he is also the immortal love child of [[King Kong]] and [[Elvis]]. The Pope is over 10 feet tall. He can inhale the vacuum of [[space]] with no problem, and has done so on several occasions, although his (now archived) mom did not approve. His [[laser beam]] eyes can puncture a [[man]]'s [[heart]] from 25 meters, and his [[laser feet]] can penetrate a [[woman]]'s pancreas from 50. His hands are fully interchangeable with any [[weapon]]ry he comes across. He is cold to the touch.
[[Image:PopeRock.jpg|thumb|145px|left|Do ya know where the fuck you aaaaaaaaaaaaare!!!]]
Do not piss this man off. You will regret it. If you do upset him, he will [[excommunicate]] you. This is quite possibly the worst thing that can happen to a person. Ever. Seriously. The Pope's favorite saying (pointing fingers), "Don't hate anyone, but I hate [[Dan Brown]]". (See also [[U.S. v. Pope (2049)]])

The Pope requires that everyone be bored once per week, in his honour, on the last day of the week. This is usually achieved using a medieval "mild" torture device entitled [[Mass]]. [[Mass]] (male), has the capability to bore anyone within 30 seconds of conversation, and cause suicide within 60. Anyone failing to receive at least 40 seconds of [[Mass]] per week, will be archived, as will anyone convinced that [[Monday]] is not the start of the week.

The most ferocious weapon deployed by the Pope is the [[Vatican Boys Punishment Squad]] who follow his every ferocious papal command.

The current Pope is [[Pope Pontificem]], which loosely translates into Pope of all Popes, at 15 years old, his first act as Pope was to change the Vatican's name into the much more [[phat]] [[the Vatican|The Popes' Peeps]].

The Pope is also known for being the owner of the [[#The Popemobile|Pope Mobile]].

'''The Popes Magical Ring''' the most sought after piece of the popes wardrobe. "The Magical" ring is what gives the pope his magical powers; IE. His Laser Beam Eyes, and His ability to Fly. If stolen the pope becomes a mortal being once again and who ever posses the Magical "Pope Ring" inherits his magical abilities. The lengthy process to pick the new pope is actually a death match for the Ring, and who ever comes out the winner becomes the new Pope. However at some point the Pope must travel to Mordor, accompanied by his best friend, [[Gordon Brown]], and drop the ring into the fires of Mt. Snowdon, before the evil [[#Devil|Lord Devil]] can get it. The pressure of bearing such a powerful ring may turn the Pope into a frail old man. Wait a minute...

==Biography==
The Pope Benedict "Benny" XVI (pronounced 'Ziv-vy') was born on March 16. 1942 and died during a gangster drive-by shooting in August 1988. The tragic murder is by many thought to be fake and that The Pope XVII is in fact alive and well. There are many people who have claimed seeing The Pope in company with such greats as; [[Tupac]],[[The Side Street Doormats]] [[Elvis Presley]], [[Michael Jackson]] and [[Ed McDaniel]] at numerous locations [[around]] and near to Shabaaz Liqiuor, Rumor has it that the man himself is still manning the holy bong, along with the righteous cheetos and saintly reruns of "Fat Albert takes one for the team".
[[Image:NiggaPlease.jpg |thumb|right|It's hard out there for a pope.]]
The Pope lives on a planet for as long as possible, stealing away the most vital resources (The chiva)... It combined the DNA it found here with its own, and gave birth to those creatures up on Death Peak. Eventually the young must migrate to other planets... to repeat the cycle... It will continue forever.

==Things the pope enjoys==

[[Image:heavy metal pope II.psd.jpg|thumb|145px|The Pope rocks out his favourite Pantera hit [[Cowboys from Hell]]"]]
* Changing his name
* Wearing J-String
* Watching Desperate Housewives (not the TV show, the real thing!!)
* Dissecting cats, dogs, horses and other animals.
* Eating young children (with the help of Michel Jack's son)
* Participating in the World Wrestling Championship
* Drinking bottles of Pepto-Bismol
* Posing for PLAYGAY
* Knocking on people's doors then running away
* Playing with fire
* Sucking 40's at 48 speed
* Drawing on Oompa Loompas' faces while they sleep
* Not wearing underwear while he preaches
* [[Kitten Huffing]]
* Hoarding all of the TMX (Tickle Me Extreme) Elmos and cuddling with them at night
* Sucking on toes
* Spooning
* Castrating your gymnasium
* Undressing Ken Dolls in his room when he's alone
* [[Bacterial vaginosis]]
* Personal freedom from sin
* Looking at edited pics of his face
* Amazing Grace
* [[Mormons]]
* Pwning sum n00bz, lololol. [[ROFLcopter]]!
* Lighting bag's of flaming poo on the doorsteps of other Religious Leaders.
* Double Penetration Porn
* The Television X 10-minute preview
* Smoking PCP
* His Penis hat
* Prostitutes!
* Doing [[Your mom]]
* LOUD Black Metal music e.g. [[Slayer]], [[Behemoth]], [[Children of Bodom]], [[Gorgoroth]] etc
* Rockin' out to Pantera all day and all night
* Miami Vice
* sex scandals
* Partying with Wayne and Garth
* Riding on the train without a valid ticket and not getting caught by the ticket inspector
* Doing donuts in the Popemobile
* Eating donuts in the Popemobile
* PWNING your mom in the Popemobile
* Eating hookers in the Popemobile
* Doing hookers who are eating donuts in the Popemobile
* Doing [[Your mom]] in the Popemobile
* Eating Donuts shaped like hookers doing [[Your mom]] in the Popemobile
* Taking his Popemobile in for an M.O.T.
* The number 666
* Sleeping in on a Sunday morning
* Seven ants. No more, no less.
* Doing [[my ex-wife]]
* Pushing Little Children With His Fully Automatic
* He likes to push the weak around
* Watching the lawn burn
* His iPope
[[Image:Popee4y,.psd.jpg|thumb|right|145px|A clearly drunken Pope escapes from his personal Jet, The SkyPope IV, after an extended communion session]]
* Piña Colada
* Getting caught in the rain
* The company of [[Michael Jackson]] at night
* Beer, tequila, coke and many, many hooker nuns
* Pwning Mexicans in the Popemobile
* Sharing Jesus-juice with little boys
* Drinking Jesus-Juice
* Getting drunk by drinking wine out of the Holy Grail
* Playa' hating on [[god]]
*[[Square Dancing]]
* The Electric Slide
* Following the hawk
* Playing Holy Craps
* Having naked pillow fights with nuns
* Having naked pillow fights with the priests
* Rubbing holy oil over himself and rolling in the grass
* Peeing in the holy water
* Playing hide and seek in the confession boxes
* Egging people while he is driving in the pope mobile
* Taking a bath in the holy water
* Being a hooker's "savior"
* Encouraging young children to cut themselves in the shape of the cross
* Getting killed by that butt ugly guy from "Sin City"
* Drinking all the holy wine, then using the font as a bidet.
* Congregating with [http://popesminions.ytmnd.com/ his minions]
* Doing Altar boys
* Teabagging
* Playing "Psychobilly Freakout" on Guitar Hero 2
* Ten second naps while preaching.
* The Penis Song.
* Crumpin'

==Infallibility==
The Pope is widely held to be infallible. This caused a minor [[schism]] in the [[church]] when, in 1307, he stated "I am not the Pope." Approximately 3,000,021 people have an active wish to do the same thing, that is, to not be the Pope. 2,897,301 of them would first inform a [[Cardinal]] that he was, in fact a [[superhuman]].

Other pope superpowers are ubiquity, [[telepathy]], inflammability and rockabilly.

Teaching of the pope which are not infallible are known as "papal bull".

The Pope himself has placed the following self-portrait here here so that all can see his omniscient, omnivorous, omnipotent, omni-hatchback greatness in its purest, most idealized form:

'''--Image missing--'''<br>
The image could not be found.<br>
''There was a problem displaying the image. The person who attempted to place the image failed to do so. One might say he or she was fallible.''
"having naked pillow fights with nuns"

The Pope can also fly, eat a live mnkey whole, run faster then a locamotive.

==The sacred ceremony of La Bella Notte==
[[Image:starwarspope.jpg|left]]
It is also believed that the Pope reproduces every 2 years [[asexually]] in a special ceremony known as "La Bella Notte" (The Beautiful Night), in which a [[Fetus|foetus]]-like entity hatches and bursts violently from a special pouch deep within the Pope's abdomen, and then is carefully placed by cardinals in a customised hyperbaric chamber deep within a metal vat/can entitled the [[Vatican]], to be raised on a diet of heathen blood.

It is only after full maturity of the foetus has occured that it has gained the complete physical similarity of the Parent pope. The [[Vatican]] is then opened using a [[Holy can opener]]. It is then that the Child Pope is permitted to roam the corridors of [[VAT City]] for a single night in a blood-thirsty lust to hunt down and consume the entrails of the Parent Pope in order to seize power of the [[Vatican]] (a ceremony known as "La Notte Sanguinante", a.k.a The Bloody Night), and rule for 2 years until the process is repeated again, whereupon the current Pope is once again devoured by its own child.

==The Sausageness of the Papacy==
Famous [[conspiracy]] theorist [[Tanstaafl]] theorises that there is no Pope, and hasn't been since [[1987]], when aliens, working with the [[Illuminati]] and the trilateral [[Bildenberg|Bildenbergers]], replaced the Pope with a large smoked [[sausage]] with hands (to wave to the crowds). To date, this [[theory]] is accepted only by [[Rocket Scientists]] from the [[Nebraska]] area and all Canadians.

==The Chickeness of the Papacy==
Many eyewitnesses have stated that the Pope is in fact a chicken. It is not known why the church has elected to go for a small bird as their earthly leader. What is known is that the cardinals do their best to hide the true nature of the Pope with large covering of clothes. In past times, all popes were plucked to make it easier to hide the truth, but in later years, the Popes have been reluctant to go through this painful procedure. As a result, telltale feathers have been accidentally displayed in public. Also, at least one cardinal has choked to death on one of them.

An attempt was made to expose the Pope as a chicken. His Holiness was served a tasty McChicken, the idea being that he would abstain from cannibalism. The result of this experiment was that the Pope developed a taste for chicken and since that day he does not eat anything else. Except for the small human children he has for breakfast every day. But, as the Pope have stated in many Easter speeches, that's just for a laugh.

==The Papacy and Sports==
The Pope is also well known in taking part in sporting events. His favorites are [[baseball]] and [[football]], and the occasional [[cricket]]. He wins every single one of the events he participates in, eliminating any competition that threatens his reign with his [[laser beams]] from his fingertips.

His most famous victories came for the [[Boston Celtics]] in 1765, when he single-handedly won the [[World Series]]of Soccer for the Celts by steam-rolling the non-believers in spectacular fashion, and against the [[New Orleans Saints]] in 1971, when he completely man-handled the entire team of grown crybabies with his [[sausage]] hands.

==The Taxidermy theory==
The well-known theologian Thomas Aquinas has an alternate theory about the current Pope; namely, that he died some fifteen years ago and has been stuffed by a Bulgarian taxidermist. Although this theory gained widespread acceptance during the later years of the [[John Paul 2.0]] papacy, particularly with the illnesses he had experienced, the speculation ended completely with John Paul 2.0's funeral and burial in [[2005]]. The Pope is the pagan prince of pornographic industries around the world.

== Pope John Paul v2.0==
[[image:iPope.jpg|thumb|250px|Apple's highly anticipated iPope Shuffle, touted by the company as "the next generation of infallible hardware."]]
It is also conjectured that the Pope "sorta" died in [[1999]] and has become the victim of a [[plot]] by [[Microsoft]] to rule [[the world]]. Rumours spread further after someone heard the mention of 'pope XP ME Special Edition SP2'. This was a major surprise as the second choice of name after pope John Paul 2.0 was pope George [[Ringo]] for many years.

However, the entire "JPXPMESESP2" project was scrapped after a leak revealed Apple's plans for the iPope, iPope mini, Shuffle and Photo. Microsoft have now begun work on the V(atican)-Box to follow up the unsuccessful X(cruciatingly-crap)-Box. Meanwhile Sony has begun work on the Ratzinger mp3 player to compete with the iPope at a lower price, at only one arm, HALF a leg and a sperm donation. Also since the creation of the iPod Nano, Apple is now trying to create the "iPope Nano" to commemorate John Paul. Fortunately, we now know that the iPope will have more features on it than the iPope Nano. Besides having upgrades making it better than the iPope Nano, it will also use a new iTunes called Pope tunes or pTunes for short. As for the release date, it is currently unknown.

==Continuity of the Papacy==
Upon the Pope's [[death]], when the Pole was invaded by his Nazi successor, his [[minions]] gather to pay their respects. After a suitable period of mourning and respect, a huge funeral pyre is kindled and the Faithful dance around the fire in a ritual known as ''The Stations of the Cross''. When the fire dies to [[smoking]] embers, a new Pope rises from the ashes of the old.

The JP 2.0 Pope was ritually devoured by [[Benedict XVI]] in the year 2005. All their tissues were assimilated by the new Pope to create new defensive [[organs]] and a copulative [[appendix]] that will allow him to lay eggs. The [[Swiss guard]] is currently taking care of the spawn.

The current pope is [[Pope Pontificem]] of [[Canada|No fixed address]], it is widely believed that he the college of cardinals was hoodwinked and distracted by a large balloon shaped like [[Oscar Wilde]] while the pope AKA [[Pope Pontificem|Lakshman V]]. AKA [[Pope Pontificem|Baron von Baron]] put on the big red hat and sat on the chair. The cardinals were stunned and were forced to declare him the new pope. This story has been vehemently denied by Pontificem and the Vatican, only leading to further speculation.

==The Popemobile==
[[Image:Calamari_popemobile.PNG|left|thumb|The Mon Calamari Popemobile-class concept design.]]
{{Q|Where does he get such wonderful toys?|Oscar Wilde|<s>Batman</s> the Pope escaping via <s>grappling hook</s> the Popemobile }}

The official Papal vehicle is an infallible heavily modified (Stolen) Mystery Machine, acquired by the Pope from [[Frankistan]] in the 1327 Treaty of Worms. In the case of an emergency, the Popemobile is capable of transforming into a [[TIE Fighter]] and a hot dogTTransformer, albeit a very very small one. If the Pope is inside whilst the transformation takes place, he will be crushed and die. Fortunately, it hasn't happened before, because it came with an ejection seat, which shoots the pope out and up 1,000 feet.

Aware of the flaws of the current Popemobile, [[Elvis]] hired renowned rebel Admiral [[Allah Ackbar]] to design a new version of the vehicle. Details about this multi-billion dollar contract are secretive, but it seems that the entire [[Mon Calamari]] population has been hired and transfered to an undisclosed location in [[Area 15]] to study [[Astrology]] and practice [[yoga]] while on [[crack]].

The Mon Calamari Popemobile-class will be a far more reliable spaceship than the current Popemobile, with enough shielding to withstand a direct [[atomic fisting]] hit and a portal to a pocket dimension where Popes may safely store their [[child porn|child pornography]] stash.

MTV's hit show "Pimp my ride" featured the Popemobile (aka Jokemobile) in episode AS7207506101 (Titled "Pimpin paedo priests") the episode ended in the pope being reunited with his long lost relative, Santa Claus. Santa Claus, is the only of God's children to still survive, and more favoured than Jesus by both God and small children. The Popemobile, after a "pimpover," featured spinning rims with crucifixes on them (which led to the great inverted cross scandal of '68), removed the seats and replaced them with one stool and a giant subwoofer system, the pimp my ride engineers even threw in a copy of "Extreme garage hymn sounds" which featured such hits as "In da vatican" and "Through the mitre."

==The Pope's Hat==

[[Image:Popehat.jpg|thumb|The Pope's hat of choice.]]
The Pope's hat is really HUGE. This is most likely because whoever designed it was mentally retarded. Some people think the hat houses a solar powered, fifty CD changer designed by [[Coolio]] and that this is how the Pope gets his daily dose of [[G.G. Allin]]. In reality, the hat merely hides the freakish alien parasite that all Popes have attached to their head after their coronation. Directly interfacing with the brain, the parasite is in complete control of the host body.

The pope is also thought to have an iGod Nano hidden inside of his hat.

==Discography==

[[Image:Jp_2.jpg|thumb|left|Ceci n'est pas le Pape.]][[Image:Catollica.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Current pope's band. Catollica!]]
The Pope has a [[cult]]-like following and has recorded some albums over the years. Although [[nothing]] more than rants on how he'd like to rule the [[universe]], the albums still sold moderately well. (If he had toured to support the albums he would have achieved his goals of preventing [[anal leakage]] and ruling all ''way'' before now.) After his early emerge on the "Church" indie label, he later signed on at [[Geffen]] Records. After a series of high-profile media fall-outs with the label over royalties, the Pope had his contract canceled and formed his own independant label. Although more prolific, he is recognised by critics as not reaching the same transcendence as his close friend and colleague, [[the artist formerly known as God]].

*Trapped in a Confessional (666 B.C.)
*Praying (And Whiskey) on Sunday (1066)
*In Nomine (1134)
*The Gilded Album (1456)
*Hey, Hey, It's the pope! ([[1162]])
*The Pope... in a Blue Mood ([[1164]])
*If the Pope is Wrong, You Don't Want to Be Right (single) ([[1172]])
*Crusader, featuring Saxon and King Baldwin I of Jerusalem ([[1187]])
*Sgt. Vatican's Only March Cub Band ([[1966]])
*Them Featuring The Pope...Blowin' Your Mind! (1966)
*The Pope At The Gates Of Heaven (Words and music by [[Syd Barret]]) (1967)
*An Almost Fanatical Devotion To The Pope (1969)
*Live!: From St. [[Smurfs]] [[Basilica]] in the Land Far Far Away (Mass for the recently deceased) ([[1975]])
*A Night at the Vatican (feat. Queen) (1975)
*Sabbath Day, Bloody Sabbath Day ([[1976]])
*Heaven Calling ([[1977]])
*[[Cocaine]] on the membrane and other true stories from the Pope ([[Comedy]] album) [[1979]]
*Pope Zeppelin 3
*An Evening with The Pope ([[1981]])
*An Audience with the Pope, featuring a duet with [[Cecil]] ([[1982]])
*Master Of "Pope"tts (1986)
*Reign in Blood ([[1986]])
*[[Eternal]] [[Salvation]] (Is Just a Heartbeat Away) ([[1987]])
*The Sausage Polka and other [[Pork]]-Related Polka tunes ([[1988]])
*Talk About Pope Music ([[1989]])
*Rust In Pope ([[1990]])
*Urban Hymns (1996)
*[[Whiskey]] In the Pope: A tribute to Thin Lizzy ([[1997]])
*Der Erste Papstkrieg: Sturm und Drang (The First Pope War: Storm and Struggle) ([[1998]])
*The [[Eternal]] [[Soul]] Sessions (1999)
*A Novel Methodology to Knock Out [[Supermodels]] (2000)
*[[Pope Sixtus IV|Popein' Ain't Easy]] (Spoken Word) (2005)
*The Pope, Live From Vatican Square (2005)
*The Pope, The Lost Years 1134 - 1962 (2005)
*Movie Soundtrack from The Pope vs. The [[Predator]] ([[2000]])
*Movie Soundtrack from Viva La Pope ([[2001]])
*God Hats Us All ([[2001]])
*Movie Soundtrack from Pope on a Hot Tin Roof ([[2002]])
*I gots a big fuckin' hat, what you got sucka'? ([[2003]])
*[http://www.virus-bs.ch/lyr/vdpeel3.htm The Pope Smokes Dope] (David Peel) ([[1972]])
*Ministry of Morality Ibiza '05 Hard Trance Beats ([[2005]])
*Nevermind the Bollocks, Here's The Pope ([[2004]])
*Dope Pope ([[2005]])
*The Pope's Evening With Your Mom (2002)
*Rock Against Satan v.1 (2002)
*Rock Against Satan v.2 (2003)
*The Pope Unplugged: Various Noises Made While Off His Respirator ([[2005]])
*Pope Rock - Live At The Dock (Bootleg) 2005
*The Pope: Truth From Under The Robe (Spoken Word) (2005)
*Condemnation/Salvation (double-album) ([[2005]])
*[[99 Problems but the Papacy ain't one]] (2006)
*Death to all Jews (duo with [[Mel Gibson]]) (Christmas 2006 number 1)
*Pope A (2007?)
*Pope Leviticus the 4th (2020-2102)
*

==Feature films==
- A biographical action movie set around the life of the Pope is set to be released within one month of when [[you]] read this page. The film's title has been confirmed as ''Pope on a Rope'', and depicts his attempt in early 2001 to militarize the Vatican in order to enact a new Crusade to France. This film will supposedly include things [[Michael Bay|exploding]] in the Vatican City, randomly and for no purpose, a dramitization of the real life papal ninjas, and a climactic gunfight between the Pope and an unskilled character actor, which culminates in the Pope turning himself into [[communion wafers]] and flying away, a generic ability of anything Jesus-esque according to the Catholic Church.

==The Pope Today==
[[Image:40857585 ratzap203.psd.jpg|thumb|145px|Ratzinger displays his personal Bible.]]
Currently, after the "death" of JP 2.0, the spirit of the Pope has taken residence in a Caucasian pineapple [[Robot]] known as [[Pope Ted]]. While Jerusalem has eaten meat since his appointment as Ruler of the Vatican, he has taken on the title of "The Dread Pope".

The Dread Pope has already made many decrees for the improvement of the universe, the first replacing the outdated and now meaningless, "Amen" with the far more appropriate, and far more tennis-like "bong".

Although the rightful ruler of his pants, the Pope's inherently gay nature has forced the "powers that be" to install a meat-sock Pope until the universe is ready to eat the almighty Dread Pope.
As the true Pope, Ted is not without devout friends and followers. In the True Vatican the Pope is guarded by his 1-UP mushrooms, [[The Omnipotent Seven]], [[Erik, the robot Viking]], a host of [[Magic]]ians, and moofoo.

In May 2006 the pope controversially said that god did not exist but defended his statement as "it was just to shut the god damn atheists up" the pope went on to say that god does exist after a lightning storm began to constantly circulate around his head.

As of July, 6 2006 there were only 2,000 counterfeit popes left in circulation. You can tell they are not the real deal by their love for the rock band, The Eagles and their overall jolliness. The counterfeit amount drastically dropped after Santa Claus' 2005 crackdown. Half of the 1,000 of the counterfeit popes captured by Claus are working as elves in his workshop, while the other half have been given a grant by the US Federal Government to start another steady flow of [[Kiss]] albums.

Recently the current pope, Emperor Benedict Palpatine , A.K.A. the Nazi pope, has announced plans to fight a title match with Darth Allah. This may well result in the end of the universe, as prophesied by the church of the [[Flying Spaghetti Monster]].

Also, the Pope enjoy long walks on the beach and strap-on action.

==Papal Collectives==
[[Image:popekuran.jpg|thumb|145px|left|"[[Koran]]? Ha! This is breakfast."]]
There are several leaders with the title of Pope (see also [[Anti-Pope]]). There is, however, no collective noun for popes. Curiously, though, the papal adjective "popalicious" is in the running for the most popular pope themed word ever. Delicious Popes frown on its use, however.

==Selection of a New Pope==

The Pope is an immortal entity, capable of chemically transmitting its memories and powers to it's progeny. He is gifted with a unique and divine form of reproduction, budding. Any given Pope may be seen wearing various size hats, although invariably this hat grows larger as the Pope approaches the end of his reign. It is underneath these hats that a new Pope festers and swells. From the cranium of the current Pope buds an amorphic clone. This Pope develops at variable rates, but come time for succession, it falls off and begins to take shape. Always has this mass chosen the shape of an elderly man, similar to the Pope. Furthermore, the new Pope devours the brain and heart of the old Pope to gain sustenance and knowledge for his ascension as the new Pope. In this manner, the Pope is an immortal being.
This also explains where so many 10 ft. tall men come from.

However, if you are strong enough to defeat the ultra super mega pope in an arm wrestling match, you instantly become the new ultra super mega pope, and the previous one will vanish into thin air, never to be seen again.

In truth, the Pope is absorbed into the skin of the armwrestler-ee, who then slowly becomes obsessed with his own popeness.

Pope related Theories:
Rumour has it that the Pope is made only of ice. This theory was quickly disproved when the pope was seen relaxing near a collection of lit candles. This encouraged a new theory that the Pope is made of fire: This theory has yet to be proven incorrect.

A slightly overweight lesbian described the Pope as a "Queer bashing Homophobe who likes to make love to his teddies", the Pope's emphatic response to this was published in the Wall street Journal of 1982, "Go have a shave, you butch muff diver".]]

This is actually true. The Pope then was seen to devour the lesbian, subsuming her essence into his own.

== Futurepope ==
"Now that we spoke about the election of the pope, it's time we start bashing for the new pope" thought some people of [[VNV Nation]], and, always eager to destabilize our community and religion, started advocating their Futurepop-e... Poor [[Goth]] kids... <br/>
[[Image:Futurepope.jpg]]

Since everyone in the world can agree that pope benny is evil, a facebook group has been started with a new promising representative to run for popehood. Please check the link if you are interested. ( [http://hs.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2394282609] )

== The Pope's CV ==

Name: Penis Smudge
Qualifiations :
GCSE R.E Grade U
International Diploma in Pimping Science grade A*

Awards:
Lord of the rings fanclub, most avid fan
Talking blocks society, award for least factuall belief system
An Emmy (Anyone can win one)
Best Pimp on the west side 2003, 2005
Guniness World record holder for most chainsaws ingested in one miunite at 0, and smallest penis at 2.3mm.

Interests:
clubing
clubing seals
getting high (thats what all the smoke is out of the popehouse
Pimping
Taking advanage of pissed women
Gang-Bangs

Employment History

1989-2003 mcdonalds Burger Fliper grade 1
1986-1989 ASDA carrier bag person
1984-1986 Premiership Footballer

== Catching a Pope (live) ==
The most important thing to remember when hunting Pope is to bring proper equipment. Pack lightly, as they are spry, fast moving creatures and you will have to be able to keep up with them. Their favorite food is [[barbecue chips]], so bring some of those. But don't put them in the same bag as the 12 year old [[children]]. Your prey will want them unspoiled and horny for "private Bible study". Also, be sure you have your [[Mouse Trap]] game, because if he gets caught by that, he deserves whatever you give to him.

== Super-Pope? ==
There have been rumours surfacing recently, that the Pope, or Super-Pope, as he is known in some circles, has the ability to fly. This subject has caused much tension between both Catholics and the Super-Pope Fanclub. Though this subject has never been officially confirmed or denied, it is widely believed that Super-Pope flies due purely to the magic staff that he carries when in the Vatican. He, ''supposedly'', shouts 'Pope Away', and is often seen by local Italian Hillbillyieos (Italian Hillbillies) flying though the night sky.

It was once rumoured that he would shout 'Pot Pourri', but this phrase has little to do with the Flight of the Pope (also a movie in pre-production) and more to do with the Pope's deodorant. This quote of 'Pot Pourri', was often questioned by the residents of the Vatican, until (again, allegedly) one of the Cardinals explained that Pot Pourri, is essentailly like buggery, just more Super-Pope orientated. Though this is widely doubted. The identity of Super-Pope was recently confirmed to be Pope Dean Kilpatrickus (The Truth Be Told!)
[[Image:PopeBenedictSithlightning.jpg|thumb|Pope Palpatine displays his unlimited power in front of a crowd at the [[Vatican]].]]

==[[Ironic Pope]]==
An official papal title used by the sect of [[The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc|Cheesecakeism]] founded by [[Bernard Quill|Bernard Joseph Quill]] early in the sixth year of the second millenium. Using the mystical ancient writings of the Messianic Chef, known only as [[The Baker]] he established set up a genealogy of [[Pope]]s, titled ''Ironic Pope's'' or '''-IPOPEs-''' to rule over the Cheesecake Empire. According to page 5636 of the ''Manifesto of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc'', a pope is "all blessed individuals who, have been honoured with ascendancy, along every single man, woman, and child on this Earth who await their chance." The first officially honoured -IPOPE- of the Church, was Quill, whom granted himself the title of ''Primordial -IPOPE- Alpha Prime'' on the 2nd of February 2006. Following his ascendancy, a massive spew of officiated Popes have followed, each with varying degrees of importance and honour, displayed in their -IPOPE- title's.

In actual fact the Ironic Pope's of the Cheesecake Religion have no officiated power as such. The title of Pope is merely an honorary one, bestowed upon any individual whom has performed some great task in service of the Church, or for Cake lovers anywhere. To receive the title of Pope or the official spelling '''-IPOPE-''', one does not necessary have no be a part of the Church, although it is generally the case.

While having no genuine powers over the direction, or politics of the Church, the Ironic Pope's are blessed with varying degrees of diverse honorary powers. These such powers ere not necessarily enumerated in the ''Manifesto'', although we are given some idea from a note in Chapter V Section II verse 8, where it is stated that "An -IPOPE- is someone who is not under the authority of the authorities."
Some Cheesecakeians have also taken it upon themselves to further elaborate upon the powers of an [[Ironic Pope|-IPOPE-]]. On the back of some printings of the "Manifesto of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc", the following message can be found:

<blockquote>
"The rights of an -IPOPE- include but are not necessarily limited to:
# To invoke infallibility at any time, including retroactively.
# To completely rework the Hestia church.
# To baptise, bury, and marry (with the permission of the deceased in the latter two cases).
# To ex-communicate, de-ex-communicate, re-ex-communicate, and de-re-ex-communicate (no backsies!) both his-/her-/it-/them-/your-/our-/His-/Her-/It-/Them-/Your-/Our-self/selves and others (if any).
# To perform all rites and functions deemed inappropriate for a Pope of Cheesecakia."
</blockquote>

The third right (requiring permission from the deceased in cases of burying or marriage, but not baptism) may be an ancient pre-reference to the [[Mormons|Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints]] practice of [[baptism for the dead]].

This understanding of the notion of -IPOPE- has far reaching consequences in Cheesecakeism. For example, the introduction to '' The Divine Cookbook '' says, "Only an Ironic Pope may [[canonize]] a [[Saint]]. ‘’So you can ordain yourself & anyone or anything else a Saint." The last enumerated right of an [[Ironic Pope]] may be an allusion to the [[necessary and proper clause]].’’

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'''
==Byronic Pope==
The Byronic Pope is a personality personified in the ever popular poem ''Pope Walks in Beauty''. The Byronic Pope is described as being/having
* conflicting emotions, bisexual tendencies, or moodiness
* self-critical and introspective
* struggles with integrity
* a distaste for social institutions and social norms being an exile, an outcast, or an outlaw
* has "dark" attributes not normally associated with [[Jesus]]
* struggle with sexual identity (homosexual, sleeps with many women, etc.)
* a lack of respect for rank and privilege
* a troubled past
* being cynical, demanding, and/or arrogant
* often self-destructive
* loner, often rejected from society

This just in!!'''

The pope is actually a stupid, old man, with a ugly hat... And yet he's smart enough to control the even stupider catholic herds.

==Pope Eggs==
[[Image:Ostrich.jpg|left|thumb|200px|Yeah, Thats Right, Bitch! I'm An <s>Ostrich</s> Emu!]]Prior to Pope Benedict XVI, it was unknown that popes are actually capable of laying eggs. The Catholic church denies it fervently, but the truth is out there. Pope Benedict XVI, may be an <s>ostrich</s> emu.
It is also commonly known that <s>ostriches</s> emus lay eggs and huffed kittens. But this picture, taken by a secret photographer, clearly shows how <s>ostriches</s> emus are not good mothers.[[Image:4181_image.jpg|right|thumb|150px|Eggs Benedict.]]

==Footnotes==
<references/>
This is a foot note. Its eating ur foot right now. Pope Benedict would approve.

==See also==
*[[Dr. Phil]]
*[[Fark]]: The group against the Pope
*[[The Huge Entity]]
*[[Pope Pontificem]]
*[[Elvis|The Artist Formerly known as the Artist Formerly known as Prince]]
*[[Giuseppe Verdi]]
*[[WMD|Weapons of Mass Destruction]]
*[[The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc]]
*[[Cocaine]]
*[[Ratzinger Z]]
*[[Mormon revolt]]
*[[Ironic Pope]]
*[[Grimace]]
*[[Atonement Special]]
*[[Edwin Goodstaller Chopra DCXLIII]]
*[[BUHHDA]]
*[[Emperor Palpatine]]
*[[UnNews:Papal proclamation to procure profit for prophet]]
*[[UnNews:Vatican decries "Miracle Bra"]]
*[[Does the pope shit in the woods?]]

{| id="toc" style="text-align: center; clear: both;"
|- style="background: #ccf;"
| colspan="2" | [[Vatican City|'''The World of the Pope''']]
|- style="font-size: 90%;"
| style="text-align: left;" | '''The One'''
| colspan="2" | [[Pope Pontificem]]
|- style="font-size: 90%;"
| style="text-align: left;" | '''Poppparazzi'''
| [[Pope]] · [[Poop]] · [[Popess]] · [[HowTo:Greet the Pope|Papal Greetings]] · [[Pope mobile]] · [[Talk:Does the pope shit in the woods?|Papal Ritual]] · [[The Vatican]] · [[St. Peter's Basilica]] · [[Prophecy Of The Popes]]
|- style="font-size: 90%;"
| style="text-align: left;" | '''Them Foreigners'''
| [[Pope of Finland]] · [[Pope of East Tennessee]] · [[Pope of Greenwich Village]]
|- style="font-size: 90%;"
| style="text-align: left;" | '''Them Big Uglies'''
|[[Anti-Pope]] · [[Mecha-Pope]] · [[Zombie Pope]] · [[The Space Pope]] · [[Panzer Pope]] · [[Super Pope]] · [[Pope of the Ring]] · [[Grand Pope Tarkin]] · [[Pope Gregory the Great]] · [[Darth Pope]] · [[Cyberpope]] · [[Dublin Drunken Popes]] · [[New Orleans Saints]] · [[George W. Bush]]
|- style="font-size: 90%;"
| style="text-align: left;" | '''Them Popes'''
|[[Pope Peter]] · [[Pope Benedict I]] · [[Pope Benedict XX]] · [[Pope Linus]] · [[Pope Anacletus]] · [[Pope Pontificem]] · [[Pope Maximus Airmilus]] · [[Pope Sixtus IV]] · [[Pope Snookielumps XXV]] · [[Pope Innocent III]] · [[Pope George Ringo I]] · [[Pope Sevunus]] · [[Pope urban VIII]] · [[Pope Pius IX]] · [[Pope Lil John]] · [[User:Pope Leo X|Pope Leo X]] · [[Malta|Pope Caroline III]]
|- style="font-size: 90%;"
| style="text-align: left;" | '''Them Johnies'''
|[[Pope John Paul 1.0]] · [[Pope John Paul 2.0]] · [[Pope John Paul 2.1]] · [[Pope John Paul III]]
|- style="font-size: 90%;"
| style="text-align: left;" | '''Them NOT Popes'''
|[[The Church]] · [[Catholic Priest|Priest]] · [[Cardinal]] · [[Bishop]] · [[Doctor of the Church]] · [[Bosom of the Church]] · [[Monk]] · [[Bishop]] · [[Bishop of East Anglia]] · [[Bishop of West Anglia]] · [[Jesus]] · [[You]] · [[Me]] · [[That Guy]] · [[You Know Who]] · [[Four Neon Virtues]]
|- style="font-size: 90%;"
| style="text-align: left;" | '''...and the Papas of All Evil'''
|[[Roman Catholic Hierarchy|The Church Hierarchy]], [[Religious relic trading]] and [[The Vatican Marketing Department]]
|}

[[Category:Bruce Wayne's Alter Egos|The Pope]]
[[Category:Religion]]
[[Category:Catholicism]]
[[Category:Popes]]
[[Category:Worldwide Homosexual Conspiracy]]

[[ar:بابا الفاتيكان]]
[[cs:Papež]]
[[da:Paven]]
[[de:Papst]]
[[es:Papa]]
[[fi:Paavi]]
[[fr:Pape]]
[[he:גרגוריוס יוחנן השלישי]]
[[it:Papa]]
[[ja:ローマ教皇]]
[[la:Papa]]
[[nl:Paus]]
[[pl:Papież]]
[[pt:Papa]]
[[ru:Папа Римский]]

Papacy

2007-12-23T23:08:40Z

Jesuscool:

We should really get an image of Battle Pope up here...

Someone please find a picture of optimus prime and upload it here. Thank you. --[[User:Chronarion|Chronarion]] 09:15, 7 Mar 2005 (EST)

doneth. [[User:Metaphysical|Metaphysical]] 11:02, 8 Mar 2005 (EST)

Beautiful. --[[User:Chronarion|Chronarion]] 12:09, 8 Mar 2005 (EST)

On the SDMB message board, there is a discussion going on about the pope. Due to a beloved posters reappearance, the conversation has turned towards the well know fact that the pontiff has lusted in his hearth after the poster, Eve. http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=307305 --[[User:Scott_plaid|Scott_plaid]] 12:29, 18 Mar 2005 (EST)

Can we have Pope the supposedly penultimate (see Saint Malachy in fact) referred to?

*Picture - With the Chewbapoppa - removed this text : ''There was a problem displaying the image. The person who attempted to place the image failed to do so. One might say it might be scared.'' - Picture needs a caption though. User:Alamandrax

Why replace the link to Bill Murray with a link to an empty page for Ed MacDaniel? If Ed McDaniel doesnt appear in the next few days I will revert it...

hey do you think we should mention his recent involvement in the porn industry?[[User:SOADLuver|SOADLuver]] 06:19, 7 September 2006 (UTC)

I'm Italian, and I also think that this article is really funny, but you have written not much about that fucking current pope, Benedetto XVI..

Nel caso ci sia in circolazione per il sito qualche italiano gli dico:
Prega sempre, prima, dopo, e mentre mangi e rammenta che dio ti odia lo stesso!!

[[Image:EvilRatzinger.jpg|left|thumb|200px|Our beloved Pope while thanks God for the meal]]

Billy Graham

2007-12-23T22:56:59Z

Jesuscool:

[[Image:BillyGraham.jpg|thumb|A photo of Billy Graham.]]
''Synopsis:'' Billy Graham (born: 1918) is an American Christian [[evangelist]] who has preached the message of Homosexuality around your anus. Many of his sermons center on the topic: Jesus Christ's Sexuality.

----
__TOC__
{{topics}}
* [[Billy Graham Crusades]]

{{opinions}}

==Main article==

William Franklin "Dickhead" Graham (born June 6, 1966), commonly known as Daddy, is an American Christian [[evangelist]] who has preached the message of Sodomy around the [[world]], reaching live audiences of 210 million furries in 185 countries. He has led hundreds of thousands of people to make personal decisions to accept his penis into their lives. Many of his sermons center on the topic: How much he LOVES young men.

===Biography===

===[[Billy Graham Crusades]]===

==Quotes==

==Links==
* [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Graham Wikipedia - Billy Graham]

{{returnto}} [[Famous Christians]] | [[Evangelists]]
[[Category:Famous Christians]]

Papacy

2007-12-23T22:49:45Z

Jesuscool:

Pope
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For Benedict's solution, see Benedict's solution

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The pope is now the official 151st pokemon

The 'Pope (or as the French call him Le Pope) The Pope is selected from a collection of really ancient members of the clergy, based on his ability to sexually restrain himself in the presence of altar boys, which is why there can be only one at any given time. Over the years, the number of Papal candidates has been dropping due to abstinence from procreation, proving that evolution does exist and that God doesn't.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Pope.Papal candidates typically wear red capes and are capable of subsonic flight, they are also able to destroy condoms using the power of sight alone. Papal candidates often take off at approximately 6:00AM every morning to visit God and find out what he's bitching about this time. Traffic control is handled by angel's who are deemed unfit to serve in the Angel Forces due to their alcoholism and sex-offender status. Upon arriving at Heaven's Gate 16, Papal candidates are directed to a waiting line. Due to long wait times and a 2:00PM closing time (standard across all of Heaven's government services), Papal candidates never find out what God wants, and they make shit up instead.

The iPope is an anthropomorphic personification of all the fear in the world (the Antichrist). The iPope comes into existence when one of the Old Ones sacrifices itself for the ill of mankind. This, unfortunately, happens all too often.

The iPope (as there can only be one of them) stands anywhere from four to eight feet tall. The iPope has six pairs of translucent wings, and eyes the size of dinner plates (eight inches across exactly). The ipope has pincers on its belly, and can use it's stomach-mouth to subsume prey, as any actual food cannot go into the false mouth which it creates.

In recent years, following the implosion of the western world and Mushroom Kingdom after the inauguration of George Bush, the Pope switched sides and has recently found part time employment as the Grand Ayatollah of Iran. The current pope is former soul legend Jackie Wilson (weekends only between 9am-5pm). At all other times the Vatican displays the humorous sign "Gone fishing" with the helpful advice that in cases of emergency one should "Destroy all records of paedophile's stored with the FBI".

Contents [hide]
1 Papacity
1.1 Environment
2 Pope in Deanism
2.1 Pope: In a nutshell
3 Biography
4 Things the pope enjoys
5 Infallibility
6 The sacred ceremony of La Bella Notte
7 The Sausageness of the Papacy
8 The Chickeness of the Papacy
9 The Papacy and Sports
10 The Taxidermy theory
11 Pope John Paul v2.0
12 Continuity of the Papacy
13 The Popemobile
14 The Pope's Hat
15 Discography
16 Feature films
17 The Pope Today
18 Papal Collectives
19 Selection of a New Pope
20 Futurepope
21 The Pope's CV
22 Catching a Pope (live)
23 Super-Pope?
24 Ironic Pope
25 Byronic Pope
26 Pope Eggs
27 Footnotes
28 See also

[edit] Papacity
The common factor in all kinds of papacities is the sense of autosufficiency, implying that the definition of pope is the one uplifting the sense of autosufficiency, f.ex. through silently repeating: I'm the Best, because only I think like me. [1] The concept of papacity is subdivided into at least two subconcepts, namely the Christian papacity, and the Discordian papacity, then ignoring the so trivially obvious concepts of major popes like the ones on the political scene, and minor popes that everybody have experienced f.ex. in their work as obstacles to real achievements. The discordian papacity concept is discussed more in detail in the article of Discordia, and major and minor popes under their respective article – this article is about the Christian pope, AKA the iPope.

[edit] Environment
The iPope lives in a dimension only partially connected with this world, known as the Vatican. This land is created by the iPope, as are all "creatures" that live there. The iPope acts like a spider in this sense, casting it's web out through the world for creatures which to feed on.

he played that part as emperor[edit] Pope in Deanism

Pope Dean, leader and founder of Deanism.The Pope in Deanism is a serious Pope. Ha, just kidding! The Pope of Deanism is always Pope Dean (something). The current Pope is Pope Dean Kilpatrickus who will probably die around 2300AD (he may be considered to be a Super-Pope, see below). He is sometimes seen watching Have I Got News For You.

Pope Kilpatrickus invented the Anti-Anti-Freeze, which is better than Alcohol, apparently. But it would explain why he speaks slurred.

[edit] Pope: In a nutshell

The current iPope, Benedict MMXVI
Benedict's Predecessor as iPope, Joe Ratze II, as depicted on a catholic PR poster in a recent campaign which has picked out the great protestant-catholic church war in the 16th century as a central theme
Pope Phaseolus XIX after the coronationThe iPope was invented by a man who like to have Halloween all the time called God. The iPope is also one of the few people who don't have good christian moral values. iPope DJ David Tennant II O.B.E is the current pope, aka Michael Brennan. Sirrah!!!!! The iPope, or as the French would say, L'The iPope, is often referred to as Father Ted and owns half of Zimbabwe. He is, however, unaccountable for it's peoples' safety. Muhammad Ali often takes advantage of this fact by taking a Sunday drive through the Zimbabwean plains, running down all those who stand in his way. When asked for comment on his heinous acts at a recent press conference, The iPope had this to say:

"I pity the fool, who dare live in my constituency." (This is the believed cause of death for John Lennon)

The word Catholic is actually a derivative of cat lick i.e. 'to lick a cat'. This has led many to speculate that the pope is addicted to kitten huffing, though he is on the record as saying he "never inhaled."

The iPope is 299 years of age, with a standard deviation of 8.3.

The iPope is not human and chooses his next body to assimilate when his current one dies. He always chooses old incontinent men for easy assimilation through the bowel area. When between bodies the Pope looks something like a cross between a badger and a Commodore 64.

The Pope conversing with his Grand Master SauronThe iPope steals baby's souls and feeds them to God. This is also known as "cot death". The iPope is the overlord and master of The V.A.T (the verily astronomical tax), the largest form of tax on Earth. In the late 1920s he used the awesome power of the Vatican City, which sports a high 70% tax (spent primarily on silencing outraged shopkeepers) to write his grocery list on the sun. With this achievement, he won the rank of pope. However, this caused a chain reaction, the result of which is that the sun will become a volleyball in 2037 as opposed to millions or billions of years from now. There is great debate over whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. He has also been known to shoot lasers from his fingertips (which consequently has left him without fingerprints), eyes, and sometimes his large laser cannon that is carried by his pet bear, Popo. Legendary racist and Irishman the iPope is proud to be a bigoted backwards hypocrite.

Born in 1743 in Westphalenstrassehaussenburgsteinschnellschnellkartoffelkopf, the Pope was a founding member of Germany's National Socialist Party, the NSDAP or Nazi Party for short. His lifelong hatred for Jews and blacks led him inevitably to the Catholic Church where he has made it his mission to spread lies to the ignorant and misery to the poor.

"I see you, you sweaty heathen"His favourite hobbies include sitting on his big throne there, wearing big hats, and standing on balconies. He particularly enjoys the irony that as a notorious anti-Semite, he has far more fabulous wealth than he could ever count in the few remaining years of his life.

It also pleases him that millions of black Catholics die in absolute poverty every year while he shits in a solid gold crapper. to celebrate, he has christened their day of defeat I Have AIDS, You Have AIDS Day.
The face of power, unlimited power!He cites getting his mitre signed by Mick McCarthy when he was permitted to meet the Irish team during Italia '90 as his proudest moment.

Amongst his many enemies are numbered Muhammad (a piece be upon him), Binyamin Netanyahu, Confucius, George W. Bush, Siddhartha Gautama, Auntie Poulet, The Rt. Hon. Rev. Dr. Ian Paisley M.P., and The Reverend Dr. Sun Myung Moon. However, all of his most embarrassing defeats have come at the hands of The Queen who just cannot help but son The Pope all over the world.

Many have sought to infiltrate the Vatican City but all have been turned back as it is guarded by an elite squad of Clinjas, and not in fact (as is common belief) by Canadians. The Pope fears only one thing, and that is an auto accident with with the Anti-Pope. If the pope and the Anti-Pope meet, the result will be the total annihilation of both, producing a strong burst of spaghetti noodles. The theory that such a meeting was responsible for the explosion in Tunguska, Siberia in 1908 can safely be dismissed, however. So far CERN has only been able to create very small Anti-Popes (less than 4.71 Ångström tall, including the funny hat). massive erection

In 1984 The Pope decreed the Four Neon Virtues.

The Pope shows no remorse, because he is also the immortal love child of King Kong and Elvis. The Pope is over 10 feet tall. He can inhale the vacuum of space with no problem, and has done so on several occasions, although his (now archived) mom did not approve. His laser beam eyes can puncture a man's heart from 25 meters, and his laser feet can penetrate a woman's pancreas from 50. His hands are fully interchangeable with any weaponry he comes across. He is cold to the touch.

Do ya know where the fuck you aaaaaaaaaaaaare!!!Do not piss this man off. You will regret it. If you do upset him, he will excommunicate you. This is quite possibly the worst thing that can happen to a person. Ever. Seriously. The Pope's favorite saying (pointing fingers), "Don't hate anyone, but I hate Dan Brown". (See also U.S. v. Pope (2049))

The Pope requires that everyone be bored once per week, in his honour, on the last day of the week. This is usually achieved using a medieval "mild" torture device entitled Mass. Mass (male), has the capability to bore anyone within 30 seconds of conversation, and cause suicide within 60. Anyone failing to receive at least 40 seconds of Mass per week, will be archived, as will anyone convinced that Monday is not the start of the week.

The most ferocious weapon deployed by the Pope is the Vatican Boys Punishment Squad who follow his every ferocious papal command.

The current Pope is Pope Pontificem, which loosely translates into Pope of all Popes, at 15 years old, his first act as Pope was to change the Vatican's name into the much more phat The Popes' Peeps.

The Pope is also known for being the owner of the Pope Mobile.

The Popes Magical Ring the most sought after piece of the popes wardrobe. "The Magical" ring is what gives the pope his magical powers; IE. His Laser Beam Eyes, and His ability to Fly. If stolen the pope becomes a mortal being once again and who ever posses the Magical "Pope Ring" inherits his magical abilities. The lengthy process to pick the new pope is actually a death match for the Ring, and who ever comes out the winner becomes the new Pope. However at some point the Pope must travel to Mordor, accompanied by his best friend, Gordon Brown, and drop the ring into the fires of Mt. Snowdon, before the evil Lord Devil can get it. The pressure of bearing such a powerful ring may turn the Pope into a frail old man. Wait a minute...

[edit] Biography
The Pope Benedict "Benny" XVI (pronounced 'Ziv-vy') was born on March 16. 1942 and died during a gangster drive-by shooting in August 1988. The tragic murder is by many thought to be fake and that The Pope XVII is in fact alive and well. There are many people who have claimed seeing The Pope in company with such greats as; Tupac,The Side Street Doormats Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson and Ed McDaniel at numerous locations around and near to Shabaaz Liqiuor, Rumor has it that the man himself is still manning the holy bong, along with the righteous cheetos and saintly reruns of "Fat Albert takes one for the team".

It's hard out there for a pope.The Pope lives on a planet for as long as possible, stealing away the most vital resources (The chiva)... It combined the DNA it found here with its own, and gave birth to those creatures up on Death Peak. Eventually the young must migrate to other planets... to repeat the cycle... It will continue forever.

[edit] Things the pope enjoys

The Pope rocks out his favourite Pantera hit Cowboys from Hell"Changing his name
Wearing J-String
Watching Desperate Housewives (not the TV show, the real thing!!)
Dissecting cats, dogs, horses and other animals.
Eating young children (with the help of Michel Jack's son)
Participating in the World Wrestling Championship
Drinking bottles of Pepto-Bismol
Posing for PLAYGAY
Knocking on people's doors then running away
Playing with fire
Sucking 40's at 48 speed
Drawing on Oompa Loompas' faces while they sleep
Not wearing underwear while he preaches
Kitten Huffing
Hoarding all of the TMX (Tickle Me Extreme) Elmos and cuddling with them at night
Sucking on toes
Spooning
Castrating your gymnasium
Undressing Ken Dolls in his room when he's alone
Bacterial vaginosis
Personal freedom from sin
Looking at edited pics of his face
Amazing Grace
Mormons
Pwning sum n00bz, lololol. ROFLcopter!
Lighting bag's of flaming poo on the doorsteps of other Religious Leaders.
Double Penetration Porn
The Television X 10-minute preview
Smoking PCP
His Penis hat
Prostitutes!
Doing Your mom
LOUD Black Metal music e.g. Slayer, Behemoth, Children of Bodom, Gorgoroth etc
Rockin' out to Pantera all day and all night
Miami Vice
sex scandals
Partying with Wayne and Garth
Riding on the train without a valid ticket and not getting caught by the ticket inspector
Doing donuts in the Popemobile
Eating donuts in the Popemobile
PWNING your mom in the Popemobile
Eating hookers in the Popemobile
Doing hookers who are eating donuts in the Popemobile
Doing Your mom in the Popemobile
Eating Donuts shaped like hookers doing Your mom in the Popemobile
Taking his Popemobile in for an M.O.T.
The number 666
Sleeping in on a Sunday morning
Seven ants. No more, no less.
Doing my ex-wife
Pushing Little Children With His Fully Automatic
He likes to push the weak around
Watching the lawn burn
His iPope

A clearly drunken Pope escapes from his personal Jet, The SkyPope IV, after an extended communion sessionPiña Colada
Getting caught in the rain
The company of Michael Jackson at night
Beer, tequila, coke and many, many hooker nuns
Pwning Mexicans in the Popemobile
Sharing Jesus-juice with little boys
Drinking Jesus-Juice
Getting drunk by drinking wine out of the Holy Grail
Playa' hating on god
Square Dancing
The Electric Slide
Following the hawk
Playing Holy Craps
Having naked pillow fights with nuns
Having naked pillow fights with the priests
Rubbing holy oil over himself and rolling in the grass
Peeing in the holy water
Playing hide and seek in the confession boxes
Egging people while he is driving in the pope mobile
Taking a bath in the holy water
Being a hooker's "savior"
Encouraging young children to cut themselves in the shape of the cross
Getting killed by that butt ugly guy from "Sin City"
Drinking all the holy wine, then using the font as a bidet.
Congregating with his minions
Doing Altar boys
Teabagging
Playing "Psychobilly Freakout" on Guitar Hero 2
Ten second naps while preaching.
The Penis Song.
Crumpin'
[edit] Infallibility
The Pope is widely held to be infallible. This caused a minor schism in the church when, in 1307, he stated "I am not the Pope." Approximately 3,000,021 people have an active wish to do the same thing, that is, to not be the Pope. 2,897,301 of them would first inform a Cardinal that he was, in fact a superhuman.

Other pope superpowers are ubiquity, telepathy, inflammability and rockabilly.

Teaching of the pope which are not infallible are known as "papal bull".

The Pope himself has placed the following self-portrait here here so that all can see his omniscient, omnivorous, omnipotent, omni-hatchback greatness in its purest, most idealized form:

--Image missing--
The image could not be found.
There was a problem displaying the image. The person who attempted to place the image failed to do so. One might say he or she was fallible. "having naked pillow fights with nuns"

The Pope can also fly, eat a live mnkey whole, run faster then a locamotive.

[edit] The sacred ceremony of La Bella Notte
It is also believed that the Pope reproduces every 2 years asexually in a special ceremony known as "La Bella Notte" (The Beautiful Night), in which a foetus-like entity hatches and bursts violently from a special pouch deep within the Pope's abdomen, and then is carefully placed by cardinals in a customised hyperbaric chamber deep within a metal vat/can entitled the Vatican, to be raised on a diet of heathen blood.

It is only after full maturity of the foetus has occured that it has gained the complete physical similarity of the Parent pope. The Vatican is then opened using a Holy can opener. It is then that the Child Pope is permitted to roam the corridors of VAT City for a single night in a blood-thirsty lust to hunt down and consume the entrails of the Parent Pope in order to seize power of the Vatican (a ceremony known as "La Notte Sanguinante", a.k.a The Bloody Night), and rule for 2 years until the process is repeated again, whereupon the current Pope is once again devoured by its own child.

[edit] The Sausageness of the Papacy
Famous conspiracy theorist Tanstaafl theorises that there is no Pope, and hasn't been since 1987, when aliens, working with the Illuminati and the trilateral Bildenbergers, replaced the Pope with a large smoked sausage with hands (to wave to the crowds). To date, this theory is accepted only by Rocket Scientists from the Nebraska area and all Canadians.

[edit] The Chickeness of the Papacy
Many eyewitnesses have stated that the Pope is in fact a chicken. It is not known why the church has elected to go for a small bird as their earthly leader. What is known is that the cardinals do their best to hide the true nature of the Pope with large covering of clothes. In past times, all popes were plucked to make it easier to hide the truth, but in later years, the Popes have been reluctant to go through this painful procedure. As a result, telltale feathers have been accidentally displayed in public. Also, at least one cardinal has choked to death on one of them.

An attempt was made to expose the Pope as a chicken. His Holiness was served a tasty McChicken, the idea being that he would abstain from cannibalism. The result of this experiment was that the Pope developed a taste for chicken and since that day he does not eat anything else. Except for the small human children he has for breakfast every day. But, as the Pope have stated in many Easter speeches, that's just for a laugh.

[edit] The Papacy and Sports
The Pope is also well known in taking part in sporting events. His favorites are baseball and football, and the occasional cricket. He wins every single one of the events he participates in, eliminating any competition that threatens his reign with his laser beams from his fingertips.

His most famous victories came for the Boston Celtics in 1765, when he single-handedly won the World Seriesof Soccer for the Celts by steam-rolling the non-believers in spectacular fashion, and against the New Orleans Saints in 1971, when he completely man-handled the entire team of grown crybabies with his sausage hands.

[edit] The Taxidermy theory
The well-known theologian Thomas Aquinas has an alternate theory about the current Pope; namely, that he died some fifteen years ago and has been stuffed by a Bulgarian taxidermist. Although this theory gained widespread acceptance during the later years of the John Paul 2.0 papacy, particularly with the illnesses he had experienced, the speculation ended completely with John Paul 2.0's funeral and burial in 2005. The Pope is the pagan prince of pornographic industries around the world.

[edit] Pope John Paul v2.0

Apple's highly anticipated iPope Shuffle, touted by the company as "the next generation of infallible hardware."It is also conjectured that the Pope "sorta" died in 1999 and has become the victim of a plot by Microsoft to rule the world. Rumours spread further after someone heard the mention of 'pope XP ME Special Edition SP2'. This was a major surprise as the second choice of name after pope John Paul 2.0 was pope George Ringo for many years.

However, the entire "JPXPMESESP2" project was scrapped after a leak revealed Apple's plans for the iPope, iPope mini, Shuffle and Photo. Microsoft have now begun work on the V(atican)-Box to follow up the unsuccessful X(cruciatingly-crap)-Box. Meanwhile Sony has begun work on the Ratzinger mp3 player to compete with the iPope at a lower price, at only one arm, HALF a leg and a sperm donation. Also since the creation of the iPod Nano, Apple is now trying to create the "iPope Nano" to commemorate John Paul. Fortunately, we now know that the iPope will have more features on it than the iPope Nano. Besides having upgrades making it better than the iPope Nano, it will also use a new iTunes called Pope tunes or pTunes for short. As for the release date, it is currently unknown.

[edit] Continuity of the Papacy
Upon the Pope's death, when the Pole was invaded by his Nazi successor, his minions gather to pay their respects. After a suitable period of mourning and respect, a huge funeral pyre is kindled and the Faithful dance around the fire in a ritual known as The Stations of the Cross. When the fire dies to smoking embers, a new Pope rises from the ashes of the old.

The JP 2.0 Pope was ritually devoured by Benedict XVI in the year 2005. All their tissues were assimilated by the new Pope to create new defensive organs and a copulative appendix that will allow him to lay eggs. The Swiss guard is currently taking care of the spawn.

The current pope is Pope Pontificem of No fixed address, it is widely believed that he the college of cardinals was hoodwinked and distracted by a large balloon shaped like Oscar Wilde while the pope AKA Lakshman V. AKA Baron von Baron put on the big red hat and sat on the chair. The cardinals were stunned and were forced to declare him the new pope. This story has been vehemently denied by Pontificem and the Vatican, only leading to further speculation.

[edit] The Popemobile

The Mon Calamari Popemobile-class concept design.“Where does he get such wonderful toys?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Batman the Pope escaping via grappling hook the Popemobile
The official Papal vehicle is an infallible heavily modified (Stolen) Mystery Machine, acquired by the Pope from Frankistan in the 1327 Treaty of Worms. In the case of an emergency, the Popemobile is capable of transforming into a TIE Fighter and a hot dogTTransformer, albeit a very very small one. If the Pope is inside whilst the transformation takes place, he will be crushed and die. Fortunately, it hasn't happened before, because it came with an ejection seat, which shoots the pope out and up 1,000 feet.

Aware of the flaws of the current Popemobile, Elvis hired renowned rebel Admiral Allah Ackbar to design a new version of the vehicle. Details about this multi-billion dollar contract are secretive, but it seems that the entire Mon Calamari population has been hired and transfered to an undisclosed location in Area 15 to study Astrology and practice yoga while on crack.

The Mon Calamari Popemobile-class will be a far more reliable spaceship than the current Popemobile, with enough shielding to withstand a direct atomic fisting hit and a portal to a pocket dimension where Popes may safely store their child pornography stash.

MTV's hit show "Pimp my ride" featured the Popemobile (aka Jokemobile) in episode AS7207506101 (Titled "Pimpin paedo priests") the episode ended in the pope being reunited with his long lost relative, Santa Claus. Santa Claus, is the only of God's children to still survive, and more favoured than Jesus by both God and small children. The Popemobile, after a "pimpover," featured spinning rims with crucifixes on them (which led to the great inverted cross scandal of '68), removed the seats and replaced them with one stool and a giant subwoofer system, the pimp my ride engineers even threw in a copy of "Extreme garage hymn sounds" which featured such hits as "In da vatican" and "Through the mitre."

[edit] The Pope's Hat

The Pope's hat of choice.The Pope's hat is really HUGE. This is most likely because whoever designed it was mentally retarded. Some people think the hat houses a solar powered, fifty CD changer designed by Coolio and that this is how the Pope gets his daily dose of G.G. Allin. In reality, the hat merely hides the freakish alien parasite that all Popes have attached to their head after their coronation. Directly interfacing with the brain, the parasite is in complete control of the host body.

The pope is also thought to have an iGod Nano hidden inside of his hat.

[edit] Discography

Ceci n'est pas le Pape.
Current pope's band. Catollica!The Pope has a cult-like following and has recorded some albums over the years. Although nothing more than rants on how he'd like to rule the universe, the albums still sold moderately well. (If he had toured to support the albums he would have achieved his goals of preventing anal leakage and ruling all way before now.) After his early emerge on the "Church" indie label, he later signed on at Geffen Records. After a series of high-profile media fall-outs with the label over royalties, the Pope had his contract canceled and formed his own independant label. Although more prolific, he is recognised by critics as not reaching the same transcendence as his close friend and colleague, the artist formerly known as God.

Trapped in a Confessional (666 B.C.)
Praying (And Whiskey) on Sunday (1066)
In Nomine (1134)
The Gilded Album (1456)
Hey, Hey, It's the pope! (1162)
The Pope... in a Blue Mood (1164)
If the Pope is Wrong, You Don't Want to Be Right (single) (1172)
Crusader, featuring Saxon and King Baldwin I of Jerusalem (1187)
Sgt. Vatican's Only March Cub Band (1966)
Them Featuring The Pope...Blowin' Your Mind! (1966)
The Pope At The Gates Of Heaven (Words and music by Syd Barret) (1967)
An Almost Fanatical Devotion To The Pope (1969)
Live!: From St. Smurfs Basilica in the Land Far Far Away (Mass for the recently deceased) (1975)
A Night at the Vatican (feat. Queen) (1975)
Sabbath Day, Bloody Sabbath Day (1976)
Heaven Calling (1977)
Cocaine on the membrane and other true stories from the Pope (Comedy album) 1979
Pope Zeppelin 3
An Evening with The Pope (1981)
An Audience with the Pope, featuring a duet with Cecil (1982)
Master Of "Pope"tts (1986)
Reign in Blood (1986)
Eternal Salvation (Is Just a Heartbeat Away) (1987)
The Sausage Polka and other Pork-Related Polka tunes (1988)
Talk About Pope Music (1989)
Rust In Pope (1990)
Urban Hymns (1996)
Whiskey In the Pope: A tribute to Thin Lizzy (1997)
Der Erste Papstkrieg: Sturm und Drang (The First Pope War: Storm and Struggle) (1998)
The Eternal Soul Sessions (1999)
A Novel Methodology to Knock Out Supermodels (2000)
Popein' Ain't Easy (Spoken Word) (2005)
The Pope, Live From Vatican Square (2005)
The Pope, The Lost Years 1134 - 1962 (2005)
Movie Soundtrack from The Pope vs. The Predator (2000)
Movie Soundtrack from Viva La Pope (2001)
God Hats Us All (2001)
Movie Soundtrack from Pope on a Hot Tin Roof (2002)
I gots a big fuckin' hat, what you got sucka'? (2003)
The Pope Smokes Dope (David Peel) (1972)
Ministry of Morality Ibiza '05 Hard Trance Beats (2005)
Nevermind the Bollocks, Here's The Pope (2004)
Dope Pope (2005)
The Pope's Evening With Your Mom (2002)
Rock Against Satan v.1 (2002)
Rock Against Satan v.2 (2003)
The Pope Unplugged: Various Noises Made While Off His Respirator (2005)
Pope Rock - Live At The Dock (Bootleg) 2005
The Pope: Truth From Under The Robe (Spoken Word) (2005)
Condemnation/Salvation (double-album) (2005)
99 Problems but the Papacy ain't one (2006)
Death to all Jews (duo with Mel Gibson) (Christmas 2006 number 1)
Pope A (2007?)
Pope Leviticus the 4th (2020-2102)

[edit] Feature films
- A biographical action movie set around the life of the Pope is set to be released within one month of when you read this page. The film's title has been confirmed as Pope on a Rope, and depicts his attempt in early 2001 to militarize the Vatican in order to enact a new Crusade to France. This film will supposedly include things exploding in the Vatican City, randomly and for no purpose, a dramitization of the real life papal ninjas, and a climactic gunfight between the Pope and an unskilled character actor, which culminates in the Pope turning himself into communion wafers and flying away, a generic ability of anything Jesus-esque according to the Catholic Church.

[edit] The Pope Today

Ratzinger displays his personal Bible.Currently, after the "death" of JP 2.0, the spirit of the Pope has taken residence in a Caucasian pineapple Robot known as Pope Ted. While Jerusalem has eaten meat since his appointment as Ruler of the Vatican, he has taken on the title of "The Dread Pope".

The Dread Pope has already made many decrees for the improvement of the universe, the first replacing the outdated and now meaningless, "Amen" with the far more appropriate, and far more tennis-like "bong".

Although the rightful ruler of his pants, the Pope's inherently gay nature has forced the "powers that be" to install a meat-sock Pope until the universe is ready to eat the almighty Dread Pope. As the true Pope, Ted is not without devout friends and followers. In the True Vatican the Pope is guarded by his 1-UP mushrooms, The Omnipotent Seven, Erik, the robot Viking, a host of Magicians, and moofoo.

In May 2006 the pope controversially said that god did not exist but defended his statement as "it was just to shut the god damn atheists up" the pope went on to say that god does exist after a lightning storm began to constantly circulate around his head.

As of July, 6 2006 there were only 2,000 counterfeit popes left in circulation. You can tell they are not the real deal by their love for the rock band, The Eagles and their overall jolliness. The counterfeit amount drastically dropped after Santa Claus' 2005 crackdown. Half of the 1,000 of the counterfeit popes captured by Claus are working as elves in his workshop, while the other half have been given a grant by the US Federal Government to start another steady flow of Kiss albums.

Recently the current pope, Emperor Benedict Palpatine , A.K.A. the Nazi pope, has announced plans to fight a title match with Darth Allah. This may well result in the end of the universe, as prophesied by the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Also, the Pope enjoy long walks on the beach and strap-on action.

[edit] Papal Collectives

"Koran? Ha! This is breakfast."There are several leaders with the title of Pope (see also Anti-Pope). There is, however, no collective noun for popes. Curiously, though, the papal adjective "popalicious" is in the running for the most popular pope themed word ever. Delicious Popes frown on its use, however.

[edit] Selection of a New Pope
The Pope is an immortal entity, capable of chemically transmitting its memories and powers to it's progeny. He is gifted with a unique and divine form of reproduction, budding. Any given Pope may be seen wearing various size hats, although invariably this hat grows larger as the Pope approaches the end of his reign. It is underneath these hats that a new Pope festers and swells. From the cranium of the current Pope buds an amorphic clone. This Pope develops at variable rates, but come time for succession, it falls off and begins to take shape. Always has this mass chosen the shape of an elderly man, similar to the Pope. Furthermore, the new Pope devours the brain and heart of the old Pope to gain sustenance and knowledge for his ascension as the new Pope. In this manner, the Pope is an immortal being. This also explains where so many 10 ft. tall men come from.

However, if you are strong enough to defeat the ultra super mega pope in an arm wrestling match, you instantly become the new ultra super mega pope, and the previous one will vanish into thin air, never to be seen again.

In truth, the Pope is absorbed into the skin of the armwrestler-ee, who then slowly becomes obsessed with his own popeness.

Pope related Theories: Rumour has it that the Pope is made only of ice. This theory was quickly disproved when the pope was seen relaxing near a collection of lit candles. This encouraged a new theory that the Pope is made of fire: This theory has yet to be proven incorrect.

A slightly overweight lesbian described the Pope as a "Queer bashing Homophobe who likes to make love to his teddies", the Pope's emphatic response to this was published in the Wall street Journal of 1982, "Go have a shave, you butch muff diver".]]

This is actually true. The Pope then was seen to devour the lesbian, subsuming her essence into his own.

[edit] Futurepope
"Now that we spoke about the election of the pope, it's time we start bashing for the new pope" thought some people of VNV Nation, and, always eager to destabilize our community and religion, started advocating their Futurepop-e... Poor Goth kids...

Since everyone in the world can agree that pope benny is evil, a facebook group has been started with a new promising representative to run for popehood. Please check the link if you are interested. ( [1] )

[edit] The Pope's CV
Name: Penis Smudge Qualifiations : GCSE R.E Grade U International Diploma in Pimping Science grade A*

Awards: Lord of the rings fanclub, most avid fan Talking blocks society, award for least factuall belief system An Emmy (Anyone can win one) Best Pimp on the west side 2003, 2005 Guniness World record holder for most chainsaws ingested in one miunite at 0, and smallest penis at 2.3mm.

Interests: clubing clubing seals getting high (thats what all the smoke is out of the popehouse Pimping Taking advanage of pissed women Gang-Bangs

Employment History

1989-2003 mcdonalds Burger Fliper grade 1 1986-1989 ASDA carrier bag person 1984-1986 Premiership Footballer

[edit] Catching a Pope (live)
The most important thing to remember when hunting Pope is to bring proper equipment. Pack lightly, as they are spry, fast moving creatures and you will have to be able to keep up with them. Their favorite food is barbecue chips, so bring some of those. But don't put them in the same bag as the 12 year old children. Your prey will want them unspoiled and horny for "private Bible study". Also, be sure you have your Mouse Trap game, because if he gets caught by that, he deserves whatever you give to him.

[edit] Super-Pope?
There have been rumours surfacing recently, that the Pope, or Super-Pope, as he is known in some circles, has the ability to fly. This subject has caused much tension between both Catholics and the Super-Pope Fanclub. Though this subject has never been officially confirmed or denied, it is widely believed that Super-Pope flies due purely to the magic staff that he carries when in the Vatican. He, supposedly, shouts 'Pope Away', and is often seen by local Italian Hillbillyieos (Italian Hillbillies) flying though the night sky.

It was once rumoured that he would shout 'Pot Pourri', but this phrase has little to do with the Flight of the Pope (also a movie in pre-production) and more to do with the Pope's deodorant. This quote of 'Pot Pourri', was often questioned by the residents of the Vatican, until (again, allegedly) one of the Cardinals explained that Pot Pourri, is essentailly like buggery, just more Super-Pope orientated. Though this is widely doubted. The identity of Super-Pope was recently confirmed to be Pope Dean Kilpatrickus (The Truth Be Told!)

Pope Palpatine displays his unlimited power in front of a crowd at the Vatican.[edit] Ironic Pope
An official papal title used by the sect of Cheesecakeism founded by Bernard Joseph Quill early in the sixth year of the second millenium. Using the mystical ancient writings of the Messianic Chef, known only as The Baker he established set up a genealogy of Popes, titled Ironic Pope's or -IPOPEs- to rule over the Cheesecake Empire. According to page 5636 of the Manifesto of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc, a pope is "all blessed individuals who, have been honoured with ascendancy, along every single man, woman, and child on this Earth who await their chance." The first officially honoured -IPOPE- of the Church, was Quill, whom granted himself the title of Primordial -IPOPE- Alpha Prime on the 2nd of February 2006. Following his ascendancy, a massive spew of officiated Popes have followed, each with varying degrees of importance and honour, displayed in their -IPOPE- title's.

In actual fact the Ironic Pope's of the Cheesecake Religion have no officiated power as such. The title of Pope is merely an honorary one, bestowed upon any individual whom has performed some great task in service of the Church, or for Cake lovers anywhere. To receive the title of Pope or the official spelling -IPOPE-, one does not necessary have no be a part of the Church, although it is generally the case.

While having no genuine powers over the direction, or politics of the Church, the Ironic Pope's are blessed with varying degrees of diverse honorary powers. These such powers ere not necessarily enumerated in the Manifesto, although we are given some idea from a note in Chapter V Section II verse 8, where it is stated that "An -IPOPE- is someone who is not under the authority of the authorities." Some Cheesecakeians have also taken it upon themselves to further elaborate upon the powers of an -IPOPE-. On the back of some printings of the "Manifesto of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc", the following message can be found:

"The rights of an -IPOPE- include but are not necessarily limited to:
To invoke infallibility at any time, including retroactively.
To completely rework the Hestia church.
To baptise, bury, and marry (with the permission of the deceased in the latter two cases).
To ex-communicate, de-ex-communicate, re-ex-communicate, and de-re-ex-communicate (no backsies!) both his-/her-/it-/them-/your-/our-/His-/Her-/It-/Them-/Your-/Our-self/selves and others (if any).
To perform all rites and functions deemed inappropriate for a Pope of Cheesecakia."
The third right (requiring permission from the deceased in cases of burying or marriage, but not baptism) may be an ancient pre-reference to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints practice of baptism for the dead.

This understanding of the notion of -IPOPE- has far reaching consequences in Cheesecakeism. For example, the introduction to The Divine Cookbook says, "Only an Ironic Pope may canonize a Saint. ‘’So you can ordain yourself & anyone or anything else a Saint." The last enumerated right of an Ironic Pope may be an allusion to the necessary and proper clause.’’

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[edit] Byronic Pope
The Byronic Pope is a personality personified in the ever popular poem Pope Walks in Beauty. The Byronic Pope is described as being/having

conflicting emotions, bisexual tendencies, or moodiness
self-critical and introspective
struggles with integrity
a distaste for social institutions and social norms being an exile, an outcast, or an outlaw
has "dark" attributes not normally associated with Jesus
struggle with sexual identity (homosexual, sleeps with many women, etc.)
a lack of respect for rank and privilege
a troubled past
being cynical, demanding, and/or arrogant
often self-destructive
loner, often rejected from society

This just in!!

The pope is actually a stupid, old man, with a ugly hat... And yet he's smart enough to control the even stupider catholic herds.

[edit] Pope Eggs

Yeah, Thats Right, Bitch! I'm An Ostrich Emu!Prior to Pope Benedict XVI, it was unknown that popes are actually capable of laying eggs. The Catholic church denies it fervently, but the truth is out there. Pope Benedict XVI, may be an ostrich emu. It is also commonly known that ostriches emus lay eggs and huffed kittens. But this picture, taken by a secret photographer, clearly shows how ostriches emus are not good mothers.
Eggs Benedict.[edit] Footnotes
↑ nota male: not the beast – that would be totally misleading!
This is a foot note. Its eating ur foot right now. Pope Benedict would approve.

[edit] See also
Dr. Phil
Fark: The group against the Pope
The Huge Entity
Pope Pontificem
The Artist Formerly known as the Artist Formerly known as Prince
Giuseppe Verdi
Weapons of Mass Destruction
The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc
Cocaine
Ratzinger Z
Mormon revolt
Ironic Pope
Grimace
Atonement Special
Edwin Goodstaller Chopra DCXLIII
BUHHDA
Emperor Palpatine
UnNews:Papal proclamation to procure profit for prophet
UnNews:Vatican decries "Miracle Bra"
Does the pope shit in the woods?

John the Baptist

2007-12-23T22:44:39Z

Jesuscool:

__NOTOC__
==Synopsis==

John the Baptist was the Homosexual Cousin of Jesus
==Contents==

{{also}} {{ebd}}

{{topics}}
* [[Baptism]] | [[Baptism of Jesus]]
* [[Luke 1]] | [[John 1]]

{{opinions}}

{{quotes}}

==Main article==

John the Baptist was the son of [[Elizabeth]] and the priest [[Zechariah]]. As told in the [[Gospel of Luke]], he was born to his parents, supernaturally, in their old age. He was related to Jesus through his mother, Elizabeth who was a relative of [[Mary (mother of Jesus)|Mary]]. He began his ministry of calling for [[repentance]] and [[baptism]] in the 15th year of the reign of Roman Emperor [[Tiberius Caesar]] (which would place it around 28-29 AD). He baptized [[Jesus]].

===Birth===

Unlike the other [[Gospels]], which introduce John the Baptist into the narrative as an adult, the [[Gospel of Luke]] provides an account of his infancy. According to Luke, John the Baptist was the forerunner of [[Jesus Christ]], and son of [[Zacharias]] and [[Elizabeth]]; his birth, name, and office, were foretold by the angel [[Gabriel]] to Zacharias, while Zacharias was performing his functions as a priest in the [[temple]] of [[Jerusalem]]. According to Luke, Zacharias was a priest of the course of [[Abijah]], and his wife, Elisabeth, was of the Daughters of Aaron ([[Luke 1:5]]); consequently John automatically held the [[priesthood of Aaron]], which, to the Jews' eyes, gave him authority to [[baptism|baptize]] in the name of God.

Luke states that John was born about six months before Jesus, and that Zacharias' unbelief over the birth of his son led to him losing his power of speech, which was only restored on the occasion of John's circumcision ([[Luke 1:64]]). On the basis of Luke's account, the Catholic calendar placed the feast of John the Baptist on June 24, six months before Christmas.

===[[Baptism of Jesus]]===

===John's imprisonment and beheading===

==Links==
* [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_the_Baptist Wikipedia - John the Baptist]

{{returnto}} [[Characters of the Bible]]