30
edits
Changes
no edit summary
''The Bible '' is composed of 66 books the most popular fantasy novel ever written. The first main character is a stuttering, orphaned, Jewish murderer named Moses, who was raised by the Egyptian royalty. He leads a resistance and eventually escapes Egypt with his people, and then wanders around the desert for a while, and after he dies his people go on to create Israel without him. He told people that he followed a god that was their god now, and is divided up into they had to follow him or else. This god was so special because Moses said he created the Earth some two main sections - thousand years before, over a seven day period. Then his god put people on the earth, starting with a guy, then eventually giving him a wife. They [[Old TestamentFun:Original sin|ate a fruit]] when Moses' god told them not to, so he decided they should suffer and die by being kicked out of the paradise he made for them. Since there was no more paradise, this made carnivorous animals start to eat other animals, all because of us.<ref> Now godless [[New TestamentPaleontology|paleontologists]]imagine they've found evidence of carnivorous animals eating other animals before humans existed. In Catholicism That shows how ignorant and Orthodox Christianity there evil paleontologists are some additional books collectively known as the [[Apocrypha]], that are not considered to be part of . They contradict the Bible in Protestantism. Wait a moment. The Bible's fantasy fiction. So paleontologists aren't evil after all.
The Old Testament tells the story of the creation of the universe new character is called [[Fun:Jesus|Jesus]], whose mother was a virgin, and who is supposed to be his own dad (no, really!). He came along and God's intervention told people that they should believe in early history and his guidance of him, because he was the people of Israelonly way into this awesome new paradise in Heaven, where animals don't eat each other any more. There are three main sections <ref>Vegetarians rejoice!</ref> He proved all this, and that make up the Old Testament - The Books of the Lawhe wasn't faking, History by doing magic tricks for any people who would stop and Poetrylisten to him. Then some hateful Jews came along and got him killed, because they thought his teachings were hate-speech, and the Books had to be destroyed. Then he goes on to an underworld full of the Prophetspain and suffering. The Old Testament is However, a few days later he crawled back out, and this now-zombie Jesus rolled away a Christian term for the original Hebrew Bible which is known as rock and scared two poor innocent women, then joined the Tanak (which is an acronym for what the OT contains Lawpoor saps he had tricked, Prophetsand had them poke fingers in him, and Writings)told spooky stories about the afterlife. The Old Testament sets the stage for what happens He reiterated that everyone had to believe in the New Testament him or they wouldn't make it provides to the ruleshappy afterlife. After this, the nature of GodJesus crawls up to heaven, the promise of GOD which and his poor saps are fulfilled further in left on Earth without him, just waiting for a new main character to lead the New Testamentway.
===Previous snarky summary===Perhaps the most popular fantasy novel ever written. Wait a moment -- Moslems think the [[Books Koran]] is better! Anyway, the main character, Jesus (a zombie who was his own father) was born of a virgin. He came to tell mankind that they should believe in him or he will punish them for eternity in hell ( a dark hot place underground). To prove that he is not just faking he did magic tricks for the people who would listen to his speeches. He told people that the earth was create 8 thousand years ago, over a seven day period. He put two people Adam and Eve on earth. They ate an apple when he told them not to, so he decided they should suffer and die by being kicked out of paradise. All of mankind is their inbred descendants. Later an alcoholic named Moses built a boat because God told him to. God then told him to collect two of the billions of species on earth in just a few days. Once all the species were collected, God drowned everything, and everyone else because they pissed him off. Then Moses and his wife got down to the inbreeding. Within a few more thousand years all the different races of humanity had diverged, and all the plants animals, insects etc. had repopulated the earth. Then some filthy Jews escaped Egypt and wondered around the desert for a while before making Israel. Jesus was born the filthy Jews killed him, he went to hell and laughed at all the Law]]====people that were sent there came back to life as zombie, and told everyone spooky stories about hell. Then he went to heaven a (happy place up in the sky) the end.