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{{quote | text={{Bible verse|1 John|4|10|lang=WEB}} [[1 John 4:10]]}}{{Infobox_Contents | topic_name = Essence A snarky summary of Christianity[[Image:Cross sunrise.jpg|thumb|center|The [[cross]] representing a [[God]] who has redeemed us is central to [[Christianity]].]] | subtopics the Bible= [[God]], [[Jesus]]* [[Christian]]* [[Becoming a Christian]], [[Grace]]* [[Living as a Christian]], [[Love]], [[Worship]] | opinion_pieces = {{short_opinions}}* [[Salvation (justforcatholics.org)]]* [[How to be saved (Compass)]]* [[Essential Christian doctrines (anon)]] |}}

[[Christianity]] ''The Bible'' is about [[God]] reaching out his hand in friendship to mankindthe most popular fantasy novel ever written. [[Christian]]s believe that the everything within the universe The first main character is a stuttering, orphaned, Jewish murderer named Moses, who was [[creation|created]] raised by Godthe Egyptian royalty. God is He leads a personal beingresistance and eventually escapes Egypt with his people, and by some mystery that we cannot understand, he is three, yet one: [[God then wanders around the Father|Father]]desert for a while, [[Jesus|Son]] and [[Holy Spirit|Spirit]]after he dies his people go on to create Israel without him. He created told people in his imagethat he followed a god that was their god now, and they had to [[love]] follow himor else. Yet every person has rebelled against God This god was so special because Moses said he created the Earth some two thousand years before, over a seven day period. But instead of turning Then his back god put people on us, God the Sonearth, became starting with a manguy, Jesus, and lived among us, dying because of us - the death that we should have diedthen eventually giving him a wife. They [[Death of JesusFun:Original sin|Jesus was crucifiedate a fruit]] on a crosswhen Moses' god told them not to, but [[Resurrection so he decided they should suffer and die by being kicked out of Jesus|the paradise he rose from the dead]]made for them. Since there was no more paradise, and now calls us this made carnivorous animals start to trust himeat other animals, to love him and to all because of us.<ref> Now godless [[repentPaleontology|paleontologists]] imagine they've found evidence of our rebellioncarnivorous animals eating other animals before humans existed. If we do this, then our relationship with God becomes restored, That shows how ignorant and God evil paleontologists are. They contradict the Spirit lives within us, assuring us of the promise of everlasting lifeBible. Wait a moment. The Bible's fantasy fiction. So paleontologists aren't evil after all.

Vegetarians are so ashamed of this, that they stopped eating other animals.</ref> The good news only people worth talking about at this point were inbred from this first couple. Later, an alcoholic named Noah built a boat because Moses' god told him to. Then that god told him to collect two each of Jesusthe billions of species on Earth. Once all the species were collected, or the [[gospel]]that god then drowned everything and everyone else because they pissed him off. Then Noah and his wife got down to another round of inbreeding, is summarized in [[1 Corinthians 15]]and all modern humans are inbred cousins through them. This passage is Within a simple statement that gives a portrait few more thousand years all the different races of what humanity had diverged, and all the essence plants, animals, and insects, etc. had repopulated the earth, bringing us back to the main plot line. A bunch of Christianity crappy stuff happens to the Jews, until a new main character is - forgiveness through Jesus Christintroduced.: ''{{Bible verse|1 Corinthians|15|3|lang=WEB}}'': ''{{Bible verse|1 Corinthians|15|4|lang=WEB}}''

===The new character is called [[Fun:Jesus|Jesus]]===, whose mother was a virgin, and who is supposed to be his own dad (no, really!). He came along and told people that they should believe in him, because he was the only way into this awesome new paradise in Heaven, where animals don't eat each other any more.<ref>Vegetarians rejoice!</ref> He proved all this, and that he wasn't faking, by doing magic tricks for any people who would stop and listen to him. Then some hateful Jews came along and got him killed, because they thought his teachings were hate-speech, and had to be destroyed. Then he goes on to an underworld full of pain and suffering. However, a few days later he crawled back out, and this now-zombie Jesus rolled away a rock and scared two poor innocent women, then joined the poor saps he had tricked, and had them poke fingers in him, and told spooky stories about the afterlife. He reiterated that everyone had to believe in him or they wouldn't make it to the happy afterlife. After this, Jesus crawls up to heaven, and his poor saps are left on Earth without him, just waiting for a new main character to lead the way.

Jesus Christ is ===Previous snarky summary===Perhaps the most popular fantasy novel ever written. Wait a moment -- Moslems think the central figure that separates [[ChristianityKoran]] from other religionsis better! Anyway, the main character, Jesus (a zombie who was his own father) was born of a virgin. Christians He came to tell mankind that they should believe in him or he will punish them for eternity in hell ( a dark hot place underground). To prove that he is not just faking he did magic tricks for the people who would listen to his speeches. He told people that the earth was create 8 thousand years ago, over a seven day period. He put two people Adam and Eve on earth. They ate an apple when he told them not to, so he decided they should suffer and die by being kicked out of paradise. All of mankind is both [[their inbred descendants. Later an alcoholic named Moses built a boat because God told him to. God then told him to collect two of the billions of species on earth in just a few days. Once all the species were collected, God]] drowned everything, and everyone else because they pissed him off. Then Moses and his wife got down to the inbreeding. Within a man; that he created few more thousand years all the world different races of humanity had diverged, and mankindall the plants animals, insects etc. had repopulated the earth. Then some filthy Jews escaped Egypt and that he is alive todaywondered around the desert for a while before making Israel. He Jesus was born around the 4 BC filthy Jews killed him, he went to hell and laughed at all the people that were sent there came back to life as zombie, and grew told everyone spooky stories about hell. Then he went to heaven a (happy place up in Judea (current day Palestinethe sky) where he taught about God's [[love]] and the [[repentance]] of [[sin]]end.

===[[Becoming a Christian]]=== To become a [[Christian]], a person must believe in his heart References and confesses that [[Jesus Christ]] is [[Lord]]. When he accepts the fact that he has disobeyed [[God]], but also accepts Jesus' death on the cross as punishment for his [[sin]]s, that person has become a Christian. [[Ephesians 1:7]] in the [[New Testament]] shows that forgiveness of sins are through Jesus: ''{{Bible verse|Ephesians|1|7|langnotes=WEB}}'' There are many biblical passages that show that belief, or faith, in Jesus Christ is what brings life to people. Faith in Jesus is ultimately what makes a person a Christian. Perhaps the most famous of these verses is [[John 3:16]]: ''{{Bible verse|John|3|16|lang=WEB}}'' ===[[Living as a Christian]]=== When we become a [[Christian]], we are called to live for [[God]] in every aspect of our lives. He brings us into a relationship of [[love]] with him and with other Christians and calls us to live for him fully, obeying him and trusting in him completely. ==Quotes== ==Links==  {{returnto}} [[Christianity]]<references/>