Christmas

Christmas

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Official corporate logo for Christmas. Teh Santa Cat noes waht joo want 4 xmas!!!1! Christmas the American way.Christmas is a public holiday celebrating discounts at Wal Mart. All cultures have a midwinter festival, but Christians wanted their own name for their ritual whereby they honor the glory of parking in parking lots and standing in lines. It is also the only time of the year when rape is considered legal, as long as it performed under a mistletoe.

Contents [hide] 1 The Celebration of Christmas 2 What is the true meaning of Christmas? 3 Replacement with "Holiday" 4 X-Mas 5 Is Christmas losing its Commercial origins? 6 Santa Claus: Democrat or Republican? 7 Who is this so called Santa Claus and is he really watching us?? 8 See Also

[edit] The Celebration of Christmas Devout Christians celebrate Christmas with the same rituals every year. They gather together in a nice, cozy, warm SUV, and drive to a parking lot, where they celebrate the joy of squeezing into a parking spot while screaming at pedestrians who are in their way. They then run around the store, attempting to buy as many things as possible before the store closes at midnight on Christmas Eve. After they finish buying as much as possible, they go back to their houses and eat turkey, along with drinking alcohol. They also present Christmas cards.

There is no real standard for the kind, amount, or number of Christmas gifts presented; the only real requirement is that one's credit card balances must have gone up by at least 165% with at least one card maxed out. If the giver hasn't achieved this, then obviously the giver doesn't love any of the people on his Christmas list and will die horribly alone and unloved in return. Remember: bankruptcy = love at Christmastime. They then gather around a Christmas tree (typically made of cardboard or plastic) and sing Christmas songs, classic holiday tunes such as "Every kiss begins with Kay," "Snap Crackle & Pop", and the holiday classic, "Welcome to Chili's". Also, people sometimes decorate their homes with bright Christmas lights, usually ones guaranteed to cause seizures. As part of the Christmas cheer, these lights are put up before thanksgiving and are left on until mid-June.

[edit] What is the true meaning of Christmas? "The true meaning of Christmas is going on shopping sprees and watching washout celebrities sing badly on T.V.", says an expert on the holiday, "But some don't see that. I, and many other Christians, am greatly concerned by the increasing tendency to honor the birth of Christ on this day. Don't you people know what Christmas is all about? It's all about wrapping paper, gift bags, parking lots, and discount prices!!!"

"What Christmas is all about" is a common theme in literature and arts. In the animated holiday classic A Charlie Brown Christmas, the main character, Charlie Brown, is depressed because he believes Christmas is too religious, and wants to know what Christmas is really all about. At the end, he finds out, when his friend makes a touching speech, quoting from a Wal-Mart catalogue: "'50% off on all holiday items!!!! Don't miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!!!!!!!!!'. That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown!" Charlie Brown and his friends then go to a McDonald's together, to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. In actuality, the true meaning of Christmas was the birth of Santa Claus. Of course, all the preachers and clergymen like to bullshit people with all this biblical crap about Jesus and Christmas being related. Assholes... What do they know?

[edit] Replacement with "Holiday"

The card market changed to be more Generic in their cards, celebrating "Holidays" now insteadThe Supreme Court has officially declared Christmas to be defunct as we all now celebrate 'Holiday'. The event is popular for celebrating the birth of "Generic, nameless savior and/or prophet,", as well as the glory of "Intelligent, all-powerful being." Holiday is one of the most popular celebrations in the United States today.

[edit] X-Mas Christmas is also called X-mas by fans of the X-Men, who celebrate the day as "International X-Men Day". They believe that Jesus was in fact a superhero. The Bible confirms this, listing such superpowers as healing, foretelling the future, heat vision, underwater breathing, the ability to fly, super human strength and destroy evil with a wink of his eye and a thumbs up. Jewish and Islamic X-Men tend to believe that while Jesus was a hero, he was not a "super" hero.

[edit] Is Christmas losing its Commercial origins? Many people are growing concerned that the true meaning of Christmas, buying things at a discount store and then eating and drinking until you throw up, is being forgotten in today's world. "I am greatly concerned by the amount of giving, caring, and honoring of God that took place this Christmas season," says Wal Mart chairperson Melville Cardboard, "All this talk about Nativity, and loving those around you, and a season of joy? Have you people forgotten the meaning of Christmas?"

these Raspberry Christmas Trees are popular among the red-green colorblind[edit] Santa Claus: Democrat or Republican? Often depicted as an obese man wearing a tasteless red, ermine trimmed suit, Santa Claus is a self-employed Caucasian male who's been married to the same woman for several centuries. It appears likely that he is a churchgoer, insofar as he is a Catholic saint and a former bishop. It has to be assumed here that Claus was released from his vows, or else he would not have been married.

Frequent arguments have erupted over the political affiliation of Claus. Ten years ago, Dick Cheney inadvertently dealt a savage blow to the morale of the Republican Party when he misidentified the political affiliation of Santa Claus in his best-selling book, Parliament of Whores. "Santa Claus," he said, "is a Democrat." However it is perfectly obvious from his demographic profile alone that Santa is in fact a Republican.

This assessment is often rebutted by Democrats with Anne-McCaffery counter-analysis: Santa Claus has no children. High-achieving professionals without children trend Democratic. While the Clausian canon does not specifically address the issue of Santa's children, numerous extra-canonical sources suggest that Claus did, in fact, reproduce. Numerous Christmas TV movie specials alone support this point.

Santa is renowned for an aggressive adherence to a binary naughty/nice list, which suggests an impatience for nuanced moral positions that betrays his Republican preferences. Santa's mere willingness to define individuals along a naughty/nice axis demonstrates his indifference to the philosophical stance of, say, The New York Times. And note that no canonical or extra-canonical Clausian text indicates that Santa ever attended college or, God forbid, graduate school.

Others still believe that Mr. Santa is an obvious Communist, the reincarnation of Jesus Marx.

[edit] Who is this so called Santa Claus and is he really watching us?? Some believe that Santa is a kind hearted fellow who brings joy to good little girls and boys. Think about it this way: If Santa is REALLY watching you all the time, does that include when you're in the bath or the shower? And what about when little kids are changing clothes or sleeping in the nude? Santa's a pervert.

[edit] See Also Anti-Christmas Santa Claus Christmas carol Xmas day Reindeer Sintu cloven Santaism Frosty the Snowman Terrorism Krismas